"We are the generation of / Not Being In Love /  And Not Being Together"

Umm....hello? Can anything truer every be spoken? Okay, I'm sure that it can, but this statement here is awesome. And let me be clear, 99.89% of the time, I cannot stand Drake and his whiney voice. But I felt him on this. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to claim you exclusively as their boyfriend or girlfriend. We use phrases like "oh we're just talking"  or "she's my friend" or that God awful phrase T-Pain popularized, the "shawty". It's clear that something is going on between you and whoever you are seeking to get romantically involved with, but the titles are absent, along with the expectation that the person remain faithful to you and practice all the behaviors someone courting you and seeking to enter an "adult" relationship with you should engage in. Let me simplify. They can get all the perks of you being their main squeeze without having to actually work for it.

All over Instagram and Facebook, we see people who practice these behaviors. But why? You know I have a theory. We imitate what we see and what we are surrounded by. Think about this. Aside from celebrities, how many Black people do you know that are married and are not separated or divorced? Now I challenge you to get to ten. One for each finger. Can you? If you can, awesome!! Leave a comment below and tell us about those marriages. If you cannot, you are not alone. I can count my dad's marriage, my mom's marriage (before her husband passed away), my fiancé's parents, two of his sisters, his brother, my old boss, and one other lady whom I adore. I got to eight. But half of my eight are people who are part of someone elses family. So you see my point? How are we supposed to get accurate examples of Black Love and marriage when so few real examples exist around us?

Another pit fall is the idea that Black women and men have unique issues standing in their way that inhibit them from practicing traditional marriage as we know it. This article on Centric raises the issue of whether Black marriages are destined for failure and also asks some great questions. One of them being: are Black women too picky? Now a while back, I did a blog post on Black women and their sometimes unrealistic expectations in regards to the Man List. You can check it out here. But I don't think Black women are too picky when it comes to things like wanting a man that can provide for and support her, wanting a man that is honest and doesn't play games, and wanting a man that is going to stick around. These are all things that go into a stable relationship. No one wants to be constantly guessing where they stand with someone they love and care about. And if you have these expectations, there is nothing wrong with you. Keep on pushing honey!

The Centric article also raised the question on whether or not Black men are able to be faithful. This is a can of worms that I will open in another blog post. But it all depends on what you mean by faithful. Do you want him to be with you and only you? And in what regards? Sexually? Mentally? Can a man still be completely faithful to you if he has kids outside of your relationship? Because he has to take into account your feelings, the children's feelings, and the feelings of the baby mother? These are all great questions. And honestly, before you can assess whether a man can be faithful to you, you have to first define what faithful is and what you're willing to accept. The short answer to this question is, yes. Black men can be faithful, no matter who they are. But they will only be faithful to a woman who they deem is worthy, and who makes it clear that this is her expectation. Period.

Let me say this. It is okay to fall in love. The world will not end. It's also okay to have your heart broken. And there's no shame in having your heart broken more than once. The purpose of dating is to see what's out there, find out who and what you like, and go from there. Every relationship is not going to work out. That's why there are so many songs about breaking up, moving on, and finding someone new. It's just the chance that we take when we put ourselves out there. Just like anything new, there's a chance you may fail. Your partner may cheat on you, they may lie to you, they may not live up to your expectations. And you know what you do? You move on and find someone else. There is absolutely no shame in that. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your price is an old cliché for a reason. There's some truth to it.

And in regards to marriage. It's not for everyone. But even if we don't elect to get married, we have to do a better job at showing our children loving, stable relationships. Why? Read this article on fatherless Black girls their difficulty learning how to love. If you decide that you want to just be physical with people, that's perfectly acceptable. But that doesn't mean that your children need to know every man that comes through your home. And that also doesn't mean that you have to air your dirty laundry for all to see. And if you're having some issues deciding whether the feelings toward your person of interest are Love or Lust, you can read this article to gain some clarity. We are surrounded by plenty of images of booty calls and one night stand. Once we reach that point in our lives where we are ready to settle down and make a home, we must make sure that we provide an alternative to the negative media images about Black families and Black homes so the next generation can see that falling in (Black) love is possible, and it most certainly can work.

Side Note 1: Slut shaming in the Black community is a major contributor to why so many Black women cannot find a man to settle down with. If you don't know what slut shaming is, Wikipedia offers a nice definition here. Slut shaming put in more popular terms is "you can't turn a ho into a housewife". Now I'm here to tell you that statement is so very false. And it's so very sexist. Everyone has a past. We all do wild and crazy things. The difference is that when a man does it and it is publicized, it doesn't hurt his chances of  going out and finding a wife. When a woman does it, no man wants to "wife the ho". To all you Ladies out there doing in like a brother, do you. You will find someone who doesn't care about your past. If you encounter a partner that isn't secure enough in himself to accept the fact that you had a life before him that you don't have to answer for, he's just not the guy for you, no matter how awesome he may be. You don't have to feel guilty about anything you've done. And that's a fact jack. Need some reassurance? Watch the Facebook video below.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Remember my tiny studio apartment? Cobalt blue walls with hand painted vines reaching toward the ceiling. You laid me flat out on the firmness of my cheaply made Walmart futon and covered my eyes with the Blackness of my silk scarf. Remember running ice over my bare skin? Then syrup? Then your warm pink tongue? How did it feel to taste the very best of heaven on your virgin taste buds?

Now let’s make a left on Nostalgia Avenue. All my love. My peace and happiness. I want to give it to….. You. You sang in the shower and I hummed along. Waiting for you to step out and reveal the greatness that dwelled within you. Body glistening. Branded chocolate skin. You were glowing even though the room was nearly dark. You made love to me on that cold bathroom floor. I dug my fingers deep into that sun-kissed skin. Licked those Greek Letters on your chiseled chest. Tasted the stories that you would forever keep from me. Stories that turned into dark secrets. Secrets that ripped us apart. But I can still taste the majesty of that burn. Still hearing you pledging that allegiance in my small shower.

Make a right on Reminiscent Road. A long hallway. Blue stars and men playing football. Plush couches and countless pictures of children that weren’t yours. I danced for you as you sat in that brown chair. In my purple dress. And my orange heels that you loved. We didn’t make love. You pleasured my body so well no words I put on this page could do you justice. I ain’t never felt nothing like that before. And I still haven’t to this very day.

Memories. Take me back to the places I want to visit repeatedly but can no longer go. Carry me through the recesses of the deepest parts of my mind and let me live there. Let me travel through those alleyways and side streets to the destinations that are forbidden to me outside of my psyche.  

I’m running out of gas.

Recollection Boulevard. And I’ve hit a dead end. Nowhere to go from here. No longer able to remember the small details and the little touches that once tied me to the things I desperately want to remember. Forced to turn around and make my way back through the mish mosh of happenings and occurrences. For some reason I cannot find my way through. I’m stuck on Memory Lane. And left with all the things that live there. Pain. Anger. Regret. Hurt. Love. Hope. Fear. Love. You. It’s all so foreign. But so pleasantly familiar. I can make a home on Memory Lane. Live here forever.

But I won’t. This place, filled with all of the stickiness and filth of emotions, is a place you visit. Not a place of permanence. It’s a place I must come to when I need a vacation. But right now. In this perfect piece of space and time, with this combination of this new you and this old I, I think I have to leave Memory Lane and find a new place to call home.

I love girl talk. Especially with my closest friends. Not because I like to gossip. I mean, I do appreciate some good juicy gossip, but I'm really not into spreading people's business. But because I like to hear what people have to say on various things. I like to understand why people do the things they do and make the choices that they make. Because let's be honest, people do some pretty stupid stuff. But I digress.  I was having some girl talk with a few friends of mine and we got to what my friend referred to as "her list". I'm sure plenty of you have heard of said list before. The list of requirements that women keep to judge men against. Things like he has to have a job, he has to be handsome, tall, successful, he has to have all his front teeth. You know, stuff like that. And men have them too. Don't front. We use these prerequisites to decide whether or not we want to settle down with someone for the long haul or whether the encounter is just going to be a booty call kind of thing.  Now I'm all for a list. Totally and completely. It's good to know what you want. And it saves a lot of time. I refuse to entertain anyone that is not motivated to do something better with themselves. But that's where my list ends. And maybe that's why I've dated and been in relationships with every kind of man you can think of. The over worker. The mama's boy. The player. The nerd. The baby daddy of sixty eight kids. I've dealt with them all. It's not that I didn't have standards. Some of these men I just needed something physical with. Some of them I wanted much more. It's just that with my hippie soul, I like to get to know every type of person and, again, understand why people do the things they do. If I would have had a list, I probably would be in an entirely different space in my life right now. But I digress again. To all of you that have a list, kudos!! I just want you to pull it out for a second or think of some of the things that you just cannot live without in a partner. What is on your list? If you've never thought about it, check out this article to help you get started. Some of the things I heard during girl talk were a good job, big feet (personally, I think hand size is a better indication of what he's working with), straight teeth, a college degree, any kind of car, a good relationship with his mother, and he has to love kids. These are all great things to have on your list. Hell, I even had to sit and think about what I would really and truly want out of a partner if I was in the dating game again. So again, look at your list or think about it in your head and let's move along.  Now for all of those who have things like he has to have a six figure income or wash board abs, I strongly suggest you go pick up a copy of this book I just read, It's Okay To Sleep With Him On The First Date: And Every Other Rule Of Dating Debunked. In it, one of the authors, Andrea Syrtash talks about the list and how her list changed dramatically when she started looking into why she wanted the things that she had written down. My favorite line in this section of the book is: 

"Dig deeper than the superficial stuff, since the superficial stuff changes with time......" Syrtash, p. 168

I couldn't have said it better. My friend, bless her simple soul (you know I love you girl), mentioned things like he has to have locs down to his butt, and he has to wake up before her every morning, and he has to like to travel. So for argument sake, let's break down those things. She's really conscious when it comes to Black social and political issues. So she assumes that locs on a man means that he values these things too. After all, locs are supposed to be a rebellious hairstyle symbolizing that you're "down with the cause". But I shut that down real quick. Lil Wayne, Wiz, Two Chainz, Future, they all have locs. Not saying that they are bad men to date. There is someone for everyone out there. But I know they just aren't her type.  I asked if she would date any of those men. I got no answer. She should probably change that to a man that is passionate about the same things that she is. And list those things she's passionate about. She might start attracting a different type of man.

As for waking up before her, why is that important to her? Does she want him to start their day by making breakfast and coffee. Then maybe she wants a man that's considerate. Or maybe she wants him to be up and out the door before her headed to work. Then she wants a hard worker. A provider. Someone who will take care of her financially. And the love of travel? Maybe she wants someone adventurous. Maybe she wants a man that likes to explore. Or someone impulsive who likes to do things spur of the moment. Dig deeper into the things you want from your partner. Apart from the basic things. If you're ready to really start looking to settle down, and I didn't say get married, I said SETTLE DOWN, I suggest that you know what you're looking for. Or else you'll be like me with a bunch of bullshit experiences with a bunch of different people.

And of course I must say, your list will not be exhaustive and all inclusive. Which means, it's not going to have everything you want or everything you don't want in a man. That will come with time. And don't be stupid! Just because a man may not have everything on your list doesn't mean he's not a keeper. I strongly suggest putting a star next to the things that you cannot live without in a partner. Those are the things that can make or break your union. The other stuff would be nice to have. And those are the things that you can compromise and be flexible on. Again, I learned this the hard way. I compromised on the things that I needed in order to love a person. Like really be in love with them. And my relationship fell apart because of it. So don't be like me. Do better.

So in case you didn't know, America is in a mini uprising. I can't call it a full fledged protest/revolution yet because of the lack of leadership. Citizens are protesting. Black America and it's supporters are angry, but cannot clearly and assertively articulate what specifically we want. Michael Brown's parents are using their voices to support a bill that would require all police officers to wear cameras on their uniforms while on duty. New York City, home of the Eric Garner tragedy that was caught on video (I mean seriously, how much more proof do you need?), is proposing the same thing. In case you've been living under a rock, get caught up about Michael Brown here and Eric Garner here. But where is the real action? The real leadership? Marching is great. We have the attention of White America and people all around the world. So what are we going to do with it?
Let me first say, I am proud of all of you that are out there fighting. The protests at the University of Pennsylvania. The marches in New York. Bringing traffic to a hault in DC. The organized protests in Chicago. John Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen, have shown their support by paying for food trucks to feed the protesters (allegedly). The citizens of Ferguson have voiced their concerns and frustration different ways. Some by peacefully protesting. Some by looting and burning down buildings. I have been paying attention. Reading. Watching videos. Absorbing everything since CNN announced that the decision had been made on whether or not to indict Mike Brown's killer. I waited to write this post because I wanted to see how many of you would still care. How many were still invested. How many of you are really into this and not just trying to keep up with what's going on on social media. 
Of course, the family of Mike Brown has asked us to protest peacefully. And for the most part, that is what is going on. But the night that Officer Darren Wilson was not charged with the crime of killing Michael Brown, or any charges at all, and was allowed to walk free and clear, the city of Ferguson Missouri was a royal mess. Now let me make this clear, I'm all for looting and burning shit down. Not because I believe in destroying property and causing chaos. Those that know me can attest to the fact that I need everything to be organized. But because I desperately hate big business and people who set up shop in Black Neighborhoods and over charge us for goods that are necessary for us to live. Milk. Water. Pampers. Food. Gas. The basics.
And two, White America is quick to judge us for burning down business and running out of stores with TV's and liquor bottles, calling us savage and criminals. But was it not them who burned down Black Churches? Black Schools? Did they not successfully burn down the Black Wall Street? Did they not lynch and burn Black men, women, and children in a riot like fashion? Are they not stealing from Blacks every day by nickel and diming us for things like internet, cable, over priced smart phones, and other materialisitc goods? Do they not profit from our ignorance and need for more? So please do not tell a people who have fought to get what they have and where they are how they should react to hundreds of years of struggle and fighting. It's a set back. People are mad. Let them grieve.*
In case you haven't picked up on this yet, yes, I am emotionally attached. Not because I have a son. Not because I am engaged to a man that looks like a thug 98% of the time he walks out the door (but he's as sweet as candy). Not because I'm some radical, revolutionary hippie that likes to rant (ahem). But because I know what this moment in history means for our future. We hashtag #blacklivesmatter, but do you really understand what that means? Let me explain it to you. The purpose of the protests, the riots, the global movement, is to make it clear that it is not okay to kill Black People, whether they be men, women, children, teenagers, WHOEVER, and get away with it. It is not okay to gun us down in the street and get away with it. We will not taking that sitting down. Our lives matter. We love our children, our spouses, our nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins, etc. and we will not sit by while they are killed by anyone, not just Law Enforcement. Think about that next time you're trying to be cool with the hash tags. Is that what you stand for?
Now, the true weight of the situation didn't hit me until I saw that trending topic on Twitter. #crimingwhilewhite That mess pissed me off to no end! White people blatantly offering up altercations with the cops that they got away with. And will continue to get away with. Some things Blacks would be jailed for. But that was the point. To start the conversation. To make it clear that there is a racial problem in America and Blacks got the short end of the stick. If you have a Twitter account, I strongly suggest you go on there and read some of the things that people wrote. It's a doozy.
So let me wrap this up here. I think my best friend summed it up so beautifully. Check out what she said:

*Of course I feel for those whose business were burned down that are not part of Corporate America and have worked from the ground up. But like so many innocent people who lose homes, lose businesses, even get caught in the cross fire and lose their lives, they are the exception, not the rule. Those are the people who should be helped. 

I know that I've already done a post about baby mama and baby daddy situations. It was a few years back and you can find it here. It is one of my most popular posts, generating a little less than 1,000 views from people all over the world. In this post I talk about men who abandon their children and their responsibilities. Partly talking to the general public, partly dealing with my own situation I had going on at the time. But a recent post that I saw on Facebook made me look at the flip side of the coin. Check out this video below that was posted by a friend of mine.

Post by Oprah Winfrey.

Now check out the comments that this particular friend received on the post:

"Whatever we believe about ourselves and our ability comes true for us." - Susan L. Taylor, journalist

So I'm not one to talk about politics or economics, but I find myself doing it more and more these days. I'm more of a love, sex, romance kind of girl. But this is a topic that I just had to talk about. I see friends on Facebook and Instagram promoting their business and side hustles, and trust me there are many, and I wonder how much business they are really getting from these ads, and how many of their friends are willing to support a business that is Black owned. 
It is a common fact that Black People spend a lot of money. I mean, a lot. According to this article, Black spending has hit the TRILLION DOLLAR MARK!! Think about that. A trillion dollars. That's a crap load of money. And what do we buy? You guessed it. Electronics. Shoes. Clothes. Yup, you got it. How many Black Owned Shops do you know that sell these things. Don't worry. I'll wait. Honestly, do you even know where your money goes when you buy the latest iPhone or stand in line at six o'clock in the morning on a Saturday waiting for the latest pair of sneakers to drop? I'm sorry to tell you honey, Jordan, Lebron, Kobe, and all those other ball players and rap artists do not see a large portion of the money you spend on their shoes. Look it up. I'll wait. 
Now everyone is so quick to be politically correct and claim that they would be more than happy to support Black Businesses. They'd jump at the chance to give their money to one of their own instead a member of another race who is probably rich already anyway. But I don't know people. The numbers just aren't there. Asians help other Asians prosper. It is a common fact that Jewish people support their own, keeping the wealth within their community. Same with Indians and other foreign peoples. But Black People are so eager to give their money to people who refuse to build us up. Why? Some day it's distrust. Some say they can't find any local Black Businesses to supply them with good and services that they need. So I had to dig deeper and form my own opinion.
Of course, I had to go to my best friend, Google. A simple search of Black Business or Support Black Business yielded a bunch of articles on the topic, and gave me a general consensus of reasons why Blacks, for the most part, do not shop Black Owned. The main reason I got over and over again was that black goods are of lower quality than those sold elsewhere. I almost fell out my computer chair when I read that. This cannot be life. Let me clarify this. For the most part, Blacks do not make the goods they sell in their basement while their family is asleep upstairs. It just doesn't happen that way unless it is a product that is advertised as homemade or hand crafted. For the most part, it is a process. Manufacturers make the goods, Shop and business owners buy the goods and then they sell them. So the products you buy from your local Black business owner and another shop in your neighborhood most likely originated in the same place.
You think I'm not telling the truth. Okay. Ladies, how many times have you gone to your local mall and shopped in the Asian shops or stores like Rainbow and Denise. Now how many times have you gotten those clothes home and they've had holes in them, your leggings are so see through you can see the pattern of your panties, or the shoes you bought hurt your feet so much you can't even make it the entire night in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Doing that barefoot walk back to the car on those city streets. So are those quality clothes? Nope. And they don't even let you return or exchange at some of the places. That is surely the work of the devil. If I get a product and I am not happy, I should be able to bring it back. Simple. And you think it's better if you go to a reputable place like Dillards or Macys. Nope. I've had dresses that unraveled and jeans that faded with one wash from both of these places. So are those quality? No. You're most likely paying for the name and not the actual product itself.
Now, I also observed this point. We are quick to support those little AfroCentric shops in the mall or those little vendors on the street. You know the ones I'm talking about. They sell all those religious and Black Power paintings. They have a million little pictures of Obama, Malcolm X, and Dr. King. They sell the Shea Butter and the scented oils. And they usually have an entire wall of incense in the back of the store. We will go here to browse around and see what they have. But as soon as the shop keeper or the sales person tells you how much one of those paintings cost or how much it is for one of those oils, you are tripping over yourself to get the hell out of there. Think about this. You'll spend hundreds of dollars on wall decor if it came from a store like Macys or Saks (I don't even know if they sell wall decor!). You'll spend upwards of eighty to one hundred dollars on Michael Kors perfume or Burberry Cologne. But you won't spend ten dollars at the Black Shop, and it smells so similar to the name brands. Hmm........
And to all my Black Business owners out there, I have a few words for you. Owning a business is not a game. If I come to spend my hard earned money at your establishment, I expect respect, courtesy, and professionalism. Do not nickel and dime me.  I expect prices to be clearly marked and I want you to honor the marked price. Don't play with me. I will walk out and never shop with you again. You think I'm playing? I have a list of places I will not patronize. Keep your store clean. I will not shop anywhere that I cannot clearly see what is being sold. Be fair. Do what you say you're going to do. If you give me an estimated shipping date, it better be here on time, give or take a few days. Remember, without paying customers, you have no business. 
So how do we fix this? Easy. Make an conscious effort to shop at Black Owned Establishments. Now I'm not saying shop there for everything. Let's be realistic. There are not enough Black Owned Businesses to provide you with the goods and services that you need. Except of course hair salons and weave places. There are plenty of those. No shortage there. But I digress. Try once every paycheck. I buy all of my incense, oils, loc jewelry, and waist beads (when I don't make them myself) from Black Entrepreneurs. I love Etsy. You can find all kinds of little gems on there and you  know exactly who you're purchasing from. My favorite little shop is Afriquelachic. She sells nose chains, wooden jewelry, loc accessories, and all kinds of little trinkets. Check her personal website out here.
For those of you in the South Atlanta area who love to get dolled up, there is full service salon in Riverdale that you should check out. I mean, you can get EVERYTHING done here. Hair. Make-up. Nails. Hell, she even sells waist trainers. And we know how hot of a commodity that is now. I will admit that her prices are a little higher than the local Asian nail salons but again, you are supporting Black owned and operated. She is also looking for makeup artists, nailtechs, and hairstylists. The contact info can be found here. Go and check her out.
And for those of you in New York who like to get your face beat, my cousin is an AMAZING make up artist. She does photo shoots, proms, weddings, etc. So before you take your behind to MAC, contact her and get that personalized experience. You can also catch her on Youtube, where she gives great tutorials and does collaborations with other artists who can also use your support. Check out her Instagram, where you can find all of her contact information. Contact her directly for pricing.
So now you have no excuse. Be mindful of where your dollar goes and who it supports. Shop at places that respect you and respect your dollar. If you have any other locally owned Black Businesses that you would like to give a shout out, comment below or send me the link at sankofah8@gmail.com and I'll be sure to make a follow up post with all of the businesses I receive. It's advertisement. You never know who's eyes might come across this post. And this is a way that you can actively enhance your community and uplift your people. So why not? I mean, what do you really have to lose? Until next time......

So, in case you haven't heard, some compromising celebrity photos have been leaked to the general public. Some people somewhere hacked into the Apple iCloud system, targeted celebrity accounts, and leaked pictures of people like Jennifer Lawrence, Kirsten Dunst, and other celebrities who have no immediate bearing on my life. Of course, I read about it on Forbes and on Facebook, didn't care, and commenced to scroll through cute baby pictures and family photos. I was done with that mess.
What made me stop and really pay attention was when Jill Scott's name got mentioned in this whole fiasco. One of my friends posted this article to their Facebook page and I almost fell out my seat and died! I mean, I love Jilly from Philly. I was introduced to her spoken word by a friend and immediately fell in love with her music afterward. Very rarely do we hear bad press about her. She's graceful, classy, sweet, and sassy. I just love her to pieces. And she was on of the celebrities who's privacy was compromised during this whole picture leak situation. 
Now notice how Jill Scott's name is not mentioned in the Forbes article that I linked above. Now of course, putting that nudies of Jill Scott got spread like wild fire is not going to sell papers or get more readers on a website like Forbes. Maybe in the Black neighborhoods, but certainly not on Wall Street or corporate America. At the very least, it will create some type of diversity in the article. And we all know how everyone is trying to be politically correct and culturally diverse these days. If you don't know, you better ask somebody! 
But anyway, let me get to the point. Why am I talking about this in relation to Black Female Sexuality? Because my dear people, the reaction to Jennifer Lawrence's photos and the reaction to Jill's photos were EXTREMELY DIFFERENT!! The undertone of most articles relating to Jennifer Lawrence and the photo leaking scandal has made J. Law seem like a victim. The big bad wolf blew her house down, leaked her naked photos, and exposed her beautiful body to the entire world. It was an outrage. It was despicable. It was just sad.
But Jilly? There was a bunch of fat shaming. Some of the "that's what you get" kind of talk. I mean, the insults started pouring in. And the thing is, one photo that was leaked was of Jill in a robe recording her weight loss journey. And she has really slimmed down a lot. The other, which is a topless photo, Jill claims is not even her! Now in fairness, the other celebrities have experienced the same back lash. But most of the articles about Jill and this situation have to deal with how harsh the comments and the feedback about her photos have been. I mean, people are MEAN! But these comments are evidence to something much deeper. They are evidence that Black Female Bodies are not viewed in the same way as their white counterparts. And that's where I have the issue.
Of course, we all know that women of all races are objectified and in most cases, still viewed as commodities. But think about this. How would you feel about Jennifer Lawrence or Katy Perry on a Times Square billboard modeling Hanes underwear. Now how would you feel about someone like one of the female cast members from Think Like A Man 2 modeling those same underwear? I'm talking about Meagan Good, Regina Hall, Taraji P. Henson, or Gabrielle Union. Hell, let's not even talk about if you saw Nicki Minaj on that billboard modeling some Hanes underwear. Girl, there would be a first class riot up in that peace! So you get my point. Totally different reactions to the same billboard trying to sell the same product. Only difference is race and body construct. But this makes all the difference in the world.
What I think needs to happen is we as Black Women start to take ownership of our sexuality. For real. Let us take back our bodies and not be ashamed of them but refuse to let them be over sexualized and degraded. Period. There will be no apologies for our hips, our curves, or our round behinds. I cannot help that I fill out a pencil skirt to perfection. I cannot stop my booty from jiggling in a sun dress. I have no apologies that skater skirts and dresses are not as innocent on me as they are with those who have less behind. It's my body. I love it. And I will not let anyone make me feel ashamed of it. Or let anyone tell me that things that are deemed appropriate for one person in the workplace or not appropriate for me. If we are ashamed, we give them power. And quite frankly, we've given men and society the power long enough. Time to take it back now.
On another note, I do not judge anyone tho decides to participate in sexting or sending nudies. Again, that is your choice, I really hate that everything that is private and sexual is made to seem dirty or shameful. Yet, if a woman is pretending to have an orgasm in the shower in a shampoo commercial, than that's just advertisement. What I do have to say is this. Practice this behavior wisely. Make sure that you share photos with someone that you trust and have known for a long period of time. And have an understanding that once you hit sent on that picture or video, anything can happen to it. Literally. There are plenty of websites that expose exes or put people on blast based on their sexual activities and preferences. Beware. And trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. No matter what kind of pressure you're under.
Okay beauties, let's wrap this up. Jill Scott. I love you to pieces!! I also love the way that you handled this entire situation. If you are not aware how Jilly from Philly dealt with her haters, you can see her actual response here. It was classy, it was graceful, it was empowering while others were trying to tear her down. I wanted to raise a fist after reading it! She owned her body, made it clear that she was not ashamed of who she was or how she looked and shut everything down. Well done! But think about this. In his article about Jill and the photos, Jerry Barrow made the statement that Jill's privacy is our privacy. I would go even further to say that Jill's pride is our pride. No shame here. No hiding here. And no acceptance of hate, belittling, fat shaming, or degradation here. And once we make this the standard everywhere, the way Black Women, Black Bodies, and Black Sexuality is viewed will begin to change. You just watch. 

Before you get all squeemish and judgmental, remember this. In all of my posts I attempt to be fair and non-judgmental to everyone, unless your behaviors dictate that I should think otherwise. On sensitive subjects like this, I do my best to be judgment free. And you should be too. So take off your religious and social hats for the duration of this post and just read as a human being. Thank you.
I've gotten a few requests for this topic in the past but I wasn't sure that I wanted to address it. I was going to leave it alone until I saw this article in the August edition of Cosmopolitan (if you don't know by now, that's my favorite magazine!) stating that bisexuals have more health risks than those who identify as gay or straight. It claims that because of the stigma placed on bisexuals they are more prone to depression, violence, and sexually transmitted diseases. After reading this I decided to just take a stab at it. I started looking online at different articles and videos to help me gather my thoughts and figure out how I really felt about the matter. So here it goes.
Bisexuality is a tricky topic because many people think it simply doesn't exist. Bisexual people are either straight people that want to have sex with everyone or gay people that refuse to come out of the closet. This is what I see and hear whenever the topic is discussed. People use words like confused, promiscuous, experimenting, and loose. Some people use even harsher words than that. And truthfully, bisexuals are really not accepted by either community. It's like being mixed race. You don't really belong to either side. So how do you tackle a topic that most of society already feels so strongly about? Like this.
First, as always, let's define what I mean by bisexual. A bisexual person is one who is attracted physically or emotionally to members of both sexes. And no, that one time in college or that one time in band camp does not count. I mean a genuine, ongoing attraction. And I didn't get that from anywhere. I made that up all on my own. For a more thorough definition and a personal story dealing with bisexuality, head on over here. Bisexual people are neither gay nor straight, they just are. So we see where the complication comes in. In a world that forces us to put labels on everything and define every aspect or ourselves, it's really hard for a bi-sexual person to explain who they really are. I mean, they can't possibly be attracted to both sexes in the same way. They must prefer one over the other. But that's just it. They don't. Just like straight people have different preferences when it comes to what they look for in a partner, it's the same for a bi-sexual person. They are simply attracted to different people for different reasons. Nothing wrong with that. 
For me, bisexuality is more about being attracted to traits and genders than it is to the physical sex itself. Let me explain. We as women are mostly attracted to men because they display male traits such as dominance and strength. We often say we want a provider and a man that is independent and takes care of his own. Same thing for men. They are usually attracted to feminine traits such as beauty. Men want a woman that is nurturing, caring, emotional, and soft. Now I know these are very stereotypical traits. Please forgive me. Just follow along for the sake of argument. 
Bisexual women may be attracted to a man because they display predominantly male traits and attracted to a woman because she displays these traits as well. Same thing for a man. He may be attracted to women because he likes the nurturing, feminine side but he may also find these traits attractive in a man. Or you know what, bisexuals may like both traits because they themselves are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities. Like every straight or gay person, every bisexual person is different and they choose to identity as bisexual for different reasons. The point is, I believe that it's less about the sex when it comes to sexual orientation and more about the attraction.
Now the issue becomes even more complex when you think about bisexual men vs. bisexual women. Bisexual women are often thought of as fast. They just want to sleep with everyone without discretion. And I often hear that their boyfriends automatically think it means they are going to have a threesome. It's sexy and sometimes even desirable. But not when it comes to men. Bisexual men are often thought of as a "closet" gay who are trying to cover it up by dating women. As this New York Times article put is, they are either straight, gay, or lying. There was even an experiment done that measured how bisexual men responded to gay and straight erotica by measuring genital response, also detailed in the New York Times article (link above). 
But honestly, measuring genital response means nothing. Bisexuality is so much more than how our private parts respond to sexual stimulation. It's about attraction. I mean, think about this. When you are in a relationship with someone, especially for a long period of time, eventually the physical part of the relationship starts to fade (omg!! say it ain't so!) and the emotional attraction you feel toward each other is what keeps it all together. It's why wise people tell you that you should date your best friend or why you often hear that you should be with someone your compatible with. Trey Songz said it in terms that some of you understand better. Sex ain't better than love. Because sex fades. It's your love and your emotional attachment to your partner that keeps everything alive. So can you really measure how someone feels about something based on their sexual response? I think not.
Okay, let's wrap this bad boy up. Bisexuality does exist. But it is much more complex than we think it is. Just because someone chooses to settle down with a man (or a woman) does not negate their attraction to both sexes. It's just who they chose. Alan Cumming best sums it up when he says that he still identifies as bisexual even though he has decided to marry his male partner. And for those of you out there who are bisexual and questioning your sexuality, here are some words for you: watch this video. You are not alone. The world will eventually come around. 
And if you are a bisexual looking for some guidance or somewhere to turn to without judgment, you should go here. Trust me, I know it's hard living in a world that doesn't understand you and constantly makes assumptions about your choices and the way that you live. Just keep doing you. The biggest insult to anyone who says anything negative is to prove them wrong.
And for those of you who are friends with a bisexual or another member of the LGBT community, Cosmo offers some great tips on what to say and what not to say to a bisexual friend in the article mentioned above. They also have an awesome online article on what not to say to a bisexual friend. And some of us need that because we're good at putting our foot in your mouths. So check it out. Let's all work together at judging less and understanding more. We're all different. And that's okay. If you don't agree with it, fine. But keep your negativity to yourself. We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.

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So I'm not one for politics or media frenzies. I'm a firm believer that the media has an agenda. They want to scare you. It's no coincidence that most stories on the news have to deal with rape, murder, scandal, dirty politicians, and the weather. Some news stations decide to throw in a good story every once in a while to make you feel like there is still some good in the world. People pick and choose what news stories to follow and which ones to leave alone. And they are usually influenced by the big dogs in Congress or the powerful people with all the money. Don't fall into it. And don't believe everything that you see on TV. Make it a point to learn how to dig through the bullshit and get to the truth. It will help you out in so many situations you will ultimately face.
Anyway, to tell you the truth, I had no idea about the recent frenzy about police brutality until I was scrolling through Instagram last week. Then I heard about it again on the Tom Joyner Morning Show. Then I heard about it when I was checking the weather before work. But what really made me pay attention was when I heard about it at my job. Being that I work with women and we're usually so concerned with telling each other about our boyfriends and talking about the latest episodes in the world of reality TV, I couldn't help but take notice when some of the Ladies at my job were talking about current events. 
I already knew about Eric Garner. I'm from New York and my Facebook Newsfeed was flooded with videos of and about him. But I had no hope that the case would go anywhere. I assumed that it would just be another widow made. More fatherless children. Another body on the cold NY street at the hands of our boys in blue. It may sound harsh, but it's the truth. We are kind of conditioned as a People not to hope for justice because we often hope in vain. I'm tired of thinking that the world has made a drastic change. It hasn't. Racism and inequality have just evolved and become more sophisticated. Jim Crow has become James Crawford, Jr. Uncle Charlie has become Charles H. Brown, III. White supremacy has traded in their ropes and sheets for business suits and legislation. You think I'm being radical? Look deeper.
So, that was the state of mind I was in already. Still not paying anything any mind. Until I heard about Michael Brown. Although his story is sad, it is not atypical. However, what made me really start looking into this was the reaction of Black people. I mean Black American is ANGRY! And not just Al Sharpton either. Like, real Black America. Teachers. Receptionists. Cooks. Not the educated sector of our community, but everyone. In the grocery store, at the gas station, at the car wash, they were all talking about Michael Brown and how something needs to be done. People are volunteering. They're asking how they can help. They're looking for ways that they can make a difference. And they're trying to get their voices heard.
Now I'm paying attention. Now I see all the pictures and signs listing the names of all of those who have suffered at the hands of law enforcement. I vividly remember Sean Bell. I cried when I read his story. Because it was written so nonchalantly. Like, oh well, Black Man got killed because he looked threatening. That's okay. Whatever. But REALLY? He was about to start a life with a woman he loved. He left behind babies. It hurt me because, like all these other young men, that could have been my father. It could have been my fiance. It could have been my son. It could have been me. Yes, something was done. Only because of the press that surrounded his murder. But that doesn't bring this man back to his family. It doesn't fill the void in their hearts. My favorite quote that has surfaced during all this mess is "Black Lives Matter". Yes. They do. And we have to make it clear how much they matter and that we will not tolerate them being disregarded or devalued anymore. Hmmph.
Now I hope this isn't just a passing phase. Something like Trayvon Martin. We all rallied around him and his family, but once George Zimmerman was acquitted, we all fell back into our routines and continued to be consumed by our own lives. There was nothing to rally around anymore. There was a lack of leadership. No one knew where to channel or direct their anger so we did what we do best in times of crisis. Nothing. Everything just fizzled down and died out. Same thing with the Jena 6. Do you know what happened to them? Do you think the outcome would have been the same had we not rallied around those young people? Think about it. Let's make change happen this time. Let's use this as a platform to finally take some steps forward. Steps that haven't been taken since the 1960's. 
I really do want something more this time. It's why I've gone out of my way to make sure I share events that may be happening in my community regarding police brutality. It's why I respect all those who participated in the National Moment of Silence. It's why I'm hoping a leader will emerge, selfless and strong, to channel Black anger and voice our concerns clearly. A real leader. I have no respect for Al Sharpton. He's a clown. He's supposed to be the leader and voice of Black America but he can't even embrace his natural hair. He better go on with his foolishness. I don't have time for him.
I'll wait on a real Black Leader. I'm patient. It will happen. I know that I could be a leader, any one of us could. But I'm not going to tell any stories or sugar coat anything. I'm a big coward. I like to be in the crowd most of the time, not leading it. I don't want to be a target. I do not plan to be a martyr. Most of us feel the same way. We don't want to be the one putting everything on the line for the good of a People who can't even help themselves most of the time. I get it. And I'm not ashamed to say I'm just plain scared to be in the spotlight.
But for you out there that feels the fire burning. This is your chance. Grab the bull by the horns and ride. Ride this until the wheels fall off. And don't just do it for Black People. Do it for all people who are stifled and intimidated by uniformed cops and men of all colors hiding behind business suits and locked doors. Do it for us so burdened by student loan debt that we can't even begin to start our adult lives. Do it for those of us working two jobs and still struggling to make ends meet. Do it for us burying our husbands, parents, children and friends because of police brutality. You can do it. I know you can. It will all be so worth it. I promise.

First off, let me start by saying that this an adult post. 18+ Please. If you are not 18+, please get your little booty out of here. Go do something else. Thank you.

I got this request from one of my coworkers because she swears up and down that a guy's penis size matters. Her argument is that the size of a man's junk determines the amount of pleasure he can give you. She always says that she doesn't want a "pinky toe". Which is understandable. I mean, most women say the same thing. They want a man that is packing down below. Beyonce says she only wants a man that "carries big things if you know what I mean" in the Destiny's Child song, Soldier. And mostly all women are guilty of staring at a man's hands, feet, or crotch area to determine whether or not he's got it going on down there. Guilty.

There are plenty of articles, videos, blog posts, etc. online about this topic. I started digging through trying to see the consensus out there and get a feel for what people really think about the subject. According to this video, most girls think, HELLLLL YESSS!!!!! Most women think they want a six inch pecker and above. Sorry to disappoint ladies, but the average penis size is 5.6 inches. (I have no idea how I know that. Random piece of knowledge I carry around in my head) So most of the women in the world are already looking for a man that's above average. As with most things, we are looking for the fantasy and ignoring what's really there.

But let's keep is real. Do you even know what six inches looks like? Like for real? Okay. Here's a test. If you have a ruler at home, go ahead and measure out six inches. Don't worry. I'll wait. Google it or something. Hold your hands six inches apart and really LOOK AT IT. Do you really want six inches of something creeping up inside of you? Maybe you do. Maybe that's your thing. And in that case, rock on girl! But most of us really don't even know what six inches looks and feels like. We've never taken a moment and thought about what six inches of length means, not even taking into consideration the width and thickness of the man's privates. Makes you reflect doesn't it?

Now let's also keep in my that Black Men have a slightly larger average penis size than that of their Caucasian counterparts. So let's just add an inch or so on there for safety. Let's just say for argument the average Black Penis is 6.6 inches. So wait. If you can't handle that six inch piece of work that you were just imagining, how would you make out with almost seven inches? Is that even feasible to you? And think about the width and thickness of the Black Man's penis when he is ready to saddle up and ride. Some of you are hot just thinking about it. Go get some water. I'll wait. But to me, it's scary. Legit scary. I want no parts of that. Thank you.

Okay, think about this also. You have a vagina, yes? Have you ever considered the depth of the average vagina? No? Okay. The depth of the average vagina for a woman that has never given birth is 4.25-4.75 inches when aroused. There is a slight, almost insignificant, increase in the size of the vaginal opening when a woman bears a child. Now this information is kinda old, from about 1960, but I don't think vaginas have changed much since then. So, for those of us women who say they want a seven or eight inch penis, where is all that penis going? I understand that for some women that may be pleasurable. Again, do your thing girl. No judgment here. But for those of us who are just repeating what we hear, really think about what you are saying. Do you really want a man with a seven inch lover boy? Or would you prefer something smaller that will make you feel a lot better?

Honestly, I don't care about penis size. Most guys with huge equipment have no idea what to do with it. They think that just because their lower member is large and in charge, it automatically makes them great in bed. And you know what, that's not their fault. Look back at everything we just talked about. We, as women, make them think that. We're so obsessed with a man's size that an above average man thinks that he's already won the race. No brother. You are sadly mistaken. There are plenty of men out there that are confident with what they are carrying around because they know how to use what they've been given. Confidence is sexy. And knowing how to work your body and find your way around a woman's body is even sexier. If you don't know, you better ask somebody.

Contrary to popular belief, pleasing a woman takes skill. If you have all the gizmos and gadgets in the world, they mean nothing if you don't know how to use them. You must know what turns your woman on, how to touch her, what buttons to press and which to leave alone. And this doesn't take a big stick. It all starts in our minds. If we are attracted to a man, it doesn't matter what his penis size is. And Ladies if you think if you don't agree, you're shallow.

Now hold on before you get an attitude and flip your weave because I just called you shallow. I say this because it's possible to have a man that isn't the biggest or the baddest wolf, but he will definitely blow the house down. It's about the motion in the ocean. Knowing how to use what you have to gain the maximum amount of smiles and satisfaction for you both. Size shouldn't be a major factor when deciding whether to give your body to a man. I don't even think it should be a major factor when making any decision regarding a man. To me, size doesn't matter. It's all about how you use what you have.

This one I'm throwing out to you guys. Comment below or tell me what you think in an e-mail, sankofah8@gmail.com. I'm curious to see how many of you think that size actually does matter, and how many of you think otherwise. Speak with you all soon!! =)

Okay, here we go with the societal rules and expectations again. Why is this even still a topic of discussion? Why in a generation where Rihanna can bare it all, literally, are we still judging people for having sex on the first date? Sex on the first date is just that: sex. If you decide that you want to sleep with someone on the first date, third date, seventh date, a year later, who really cares?

So let me just start by saying that this topic was a special request from my significant other because he thinks I'm horrible at communicating (ironic right?). It's not that I'm bad at it. I am really good with words. Honest. It's just that I'm all about efficiency and purpose. In an argument, I believe you say what you have to say, I say what I have to say, and then we're done. Let's agree to disagree and move on to something else. Not him. He wants to talk and find solutions to every single issue that we have. The problem with that is, some problems don't have solutions. You just have to respect each other's feelings and let it be. I have things to do. I don't want to sit and keep having the same discussion forty five times. So he wanted me to do this post on communication because he thinks it's an opportunity area for us (I do not). This one is for you James.

• Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're communicating.
• Just because words are coming out of your mouth and your partner is supposed to be listening doesn't mean you're communicating. You have to be saying something of value, and something that pertains to the issue at hand. Aimless talking gets you nowhere and it gets frustrating for the person who genuinely wants to get the problem solved. And your listener has to be open to listening. I mean, what's the point of talking to someone who isn't taking in what you're saying? Communicating has to be a two way street. Speak how you feel on the matter at hand and make sure your partner is really ingesting your concerns. It shows they care and it'll likely prevent the same issues from happening again in the future.
• You have to be honest or else the entire conversation is pointless.
• I hate when you're trying to talk to your partner and you know everything coming out of their mouth is a damn lie (luckily I've never had that problem with Dean). Like, do you think I'm a freaking idiot? I refuse to sit down and talk to someone and they can't even respect me enough to tell me the truth. So don't do that. That's a no no. Be honest and keep it real. And if you feel like your partner is being dishonest, DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY. Lay your evidence on the table and ask for an explanation. And don't be loud and ghetto with it. This is not reality TV. And if your partner still doesn't come clean? Get the hell out of there. They're a liar, in which case you don't want anything to do with them anyway.
• Treat arguments like a debate.
• This is something that I read somewhere online and I think is a great idea. Just like a debate, one person talks for one minute then gives their partner a minute to express their thoughts and offer rebuttal. You can keep this going until both of you feel like you've gotten everything off of your chest, or you can just set a time limit. Set aside ten minutes, each of you gets five chances to talk. Once the time is up, try to think of a solution. If you both are just over it and feel like no solution is available that will appease both sides, please see the next tip.
• Know when to say when.
• We all know that couple that fights from the house, to the car, to their destination, back home, and into the next day. That is exhausting and just plain annoying. To me, arguments are over when you start repeating the same things that you've said before. I heard you the first time you said it, please don't keep repeating it over and over again. It's also time to call it quits when someone loses their cool. If at any point either of you starts getting loud and irrational, take a breather and read the next tip. Once the cool off period is done, try again. If it still doesn't get anywhere, just be done with it. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, even those in a relationship and this something we just have to accept.
• Have a cool off period.
• This is the most important part, and the part that keeps you from killing each other or breaking up every time you have a little spat. Pick a corner and cool off. I'm terrible at letting things bother me for days and days. I'll just not say anything to anyone. Don't do that. It's childish and makes your partner annoy the hell out of you until you talk to them (that gets on my LAST NERVE!!!). Take an hour or two, take a deep breath, and re-open the door to let your partner in, literally or figuratively. Even if they choose to remain upset, at least you've extended the invitation. They'll come around eventually. 
• Find what works best for you.
• Some people like to write it out. Some people like to sit across from each other and just talk. Some people like to be in public places to express themselves. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting your thoughts our of your head and go with it. Not everyone is the same. And if you and your partner have different ways of communicating, try to merge them and make them work. After all, the point is really to just get things off your chest and try to find a fix that will make everyone happy. It'll take time, but once you both master what method of expression works for you both, you'll see things drastically change.