She was an exquisite kind of fine. The kind of beautiful that makes you look and never break your stare. You wouldn’t care who was watching. But it wasn’t her features that grabbed my attention as I stared at her across the overfilled train. It was the small gold hamsa that hung daintily from her wrist. It initiated our conversation. And me asking for her accompaniment to my favorite restaurant in the West Village on 8^th Ave. And her saying yes while she blushed beneath her perfectly applied make up. Mac. I could tell. It ended with me asking for her number, and her writing the combination of digits on a piece of bright yellow, unlined paper with a baby pink pen in blue ink. She purposely held my hand a little longer than she needed to. I didn’t mind at all.

After our fated encounter, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She was it. Everything that I felt like I was missing. And not because I had some repressed fantasy to be with someone that was just like me. Not because I was bi-curious and was using this as an opportunity to find out how it really was to be with one of the same. I had been with many like me before, and many different than me as well. But she had a shyness that rendered her seemingly defenseless. And a ferocity that threatened to swallow me whole if I wasn’t careful.

And consume me she did. After our date to the dimly lit restaurant in the city. After the movie in Queens. After shopping and dinner in Long Island and late night personal sessions in Brooklyn. Those were my favorite. Her always wearing her Hello Kitty boy shorts. Her perfect mix of innocence and enticement. The epitome of her. The embodiment of everything that was so necessary for me during that time and in that space.

But as much as I loved my one in the same, I was that much ashamed of her. Not wanting her to hold my hand in public. Failing to reciprocate her perfectly placed, affectionate kisses in front of our friends. They all were aware. But I was too reluctant to demonstrate what they already knew. I was not her same lover, her same friend, her same partner when her four walls weren’t surrounding us. I cowered in fear when we weren’t protected by the privacy of closed doors and pulled blinds.

Eventually she grew tired of me. Her exceptional kind of fine turned into something I didn’t know how to handle. Into ignored phone calls. Into being stood up. Into boring days and excruciatingly lonely nights. Into a feeling I didn’t think could come from one of the same. Feelings I had reserved for those that were different. But relationships are not so different when the two people involved share the same softness. The same desires. The same vulnerabilities. The same hopes that it wouldn’t end as it always did this time.

She needed me to be different. She needed something constant. Something invariable. A person that was unchanging when she woke up cuddled against them in the morning and when she fell asleep in their arms at night. That would prove to her that not everyone was out to cause her anguish. She needed confirmation. The exception. Her salvation. But I disappointed her. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Because when she needed me to be different, I was more of the same. 

I don’t know why I agreed to meet her in this place. The uneasy corner of Getting Over Her For Good and Trying To Make This Shit Work Again. She conned me into coming when she told me she needed to talk. Just as friends. She needed to vent. And I was the first person to come to her mind. Not her girlfriends. Not that dude she had just broken up with because they couldn’t iron out their kinks. But me. I pretended she was telling the truth about this being a friendly reunion. The love for her that still lived behind my conscious thoughts hoped it would be something more.

I reached the coordinates in space and time that she had given me. Not a tangible place that you can feel and touch, just a point in the universe where both of our beings wanted what they wanted. And at that moment, it was critical that we be with each other. Her body was so far away, but I could still see her in my mind’s eye. She was smiling shyly at me in my imagination, hoping I would make the first move so that time would revert back to when we were together. Before she lost her damn mind. She wanted to take a trip back to our favorite place. Where it was quiet. Where we didn’t have to utter a single word to communicate. Where I gave her the truest, purest form of me.

But she hadn’t known what to do with my vulnerability. It had been fragile and needed to be handled with care. I had given it all to her, and ultimately, had to take it all back. Or at least what was left of it before she destroyed all of its magnificence. That’s the thing about beautiful emotions. They’re so precious, so incredible, you never want to let them go. You want to keep them pressed against the softest parts of you forever. But she didn’t deserve any of it. She wasn’t worthy of my sensitivity.

But I damn sure wanted to bestow the honor upon her once again. I wanted to start over. I wanted us to hit replay and rewrite the parts where she fucked it all up. Make her choose differently. Demand that she see that everything she was looking for in these shallow ass niggas she was using to fill that emptiness was already in me. I wanted to hear her voice again and be hypnotized by her Siren Song. Remind me of the times that she made me feel ecstasy despite the crumbling walls of hell all around us. Take me to before I knew that she was the devil I was running from.

I still wanted to save her from herself. I wanted to run behind her and tell her that she was flawless just as she was. She didn’t need to run away from her insecurities. Her fears no longer needed to cripple her. She was perfect. She still is already perfect. There was no need to destroy everything she touched just because she herself was broken. I wanted nothing more than to fix her. I wanted to take her bruised existence and nurse it back to health. She was worth more than the Rolex I displayed on my wrist. She was worth more than one hundred lifetimes. She was worth more than I could ever offer her. We just needed one eternity together.

I guess that’s why I agreed to meet her at the corner of I Shouldn’t Be Here and I’ll Never Fucking Leave Your Side. Because no matter what direction we take, we would always end up here. Staring at each despite the limitations of time and space. Aware of the fact that we should never try to awaken the sleeping dragon that was once us. But pathetically unable to fight the feeling that this is where we both belonged. There was no place I’d rather be than on the corner of I’m Leaving You Alone and You’ll Always Be My Baby with her.

I was not searching for you when I put on my black maxi, fitted around my waist, gold collar around the neckline. I simply adored how it glittered in the sunlight. I loved how the detailing glowed perfectly against my melanin kissed skin.

I was not thinking about you when I put on my favorite diamond ear rings and pulled my hair into an immaculate school teacher bun. I just thought a lady only lets her husband see her with her hair down. It should be something reserved exclusively for him. The rest of humanity is only worthy of hair pulled up, tucked away, and pinned to perfection. Call me old fashioned.

I couldn’t have cared less about you when I made up my mind to wear my favorite pair of black Steve Madden wedges, gold buckles shining on the sides. I let my femininity devour me as I slipped my perfectly pedicured feet into that beautifully crafted shoe. I was just taking a moment to appreciate how amazing it felt to truly be all dolled up.

I had others on my mind when I set out to run my errands, clearly over dressed and underestimated. The silly little play things that engaged in the cat calling and hand grabbing as I walked past were simply not aware that I could rip their throats out without ever laying a hand on their pretty little heads. I was just sophisticated like that. I didn’t care about your existence because I was too wrapped up in being admired. Being coveted. Being wanted.

I, in my ignorance and self-centered unawareness, did not notice that my forever had been watching me, studying my arrogant gait. As I pretended to be consumed with the nothingness around me, I was oblivious to the fact that you were following me with the most sacred places of your heart. And the most wicked places of your imagination. I did not even deem you worthy enough for my glance. Your dirt stained hands, your oil filled shirt. Your thick, sweaty brown. My mysticism was too great for you. You were not even worthy of my gaze.

It’s funny how sometimes to find exactly what we’re looking for, we simply have to take our eyes off the ground and look up. And that I did. And there you were. And suddenly, someone that I had not even thought to acknowledge, a person that was invisible for all the moments that we had been standing in that place together, a person that longed for me even though I did not care who they were in this lifetime or who they will be in the next, this person had suddenly become the most important person in my entire life.

And he’s still here. Adoring me. Kissing me. Making me laugh. Filling me with the best parts of him and taking away the worst parts of me. He’s still here loving my pretty dresses and heels too high for me to walk it. My made up face and my perfectly manicured nails. He’s still here adulating me. Especially when I’m all dolled up. What a wonderful man. 

"We are the generation of / Not Being In Love /  And Not Being Together"

Umm....hello? Can anything truer every be spoken? Okay, I'm sure that it can, but this statement here is awesome. And let me be clear, 99.89% of the time, I cannot stand Drake and his whiney voice. But I felt him on this. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to claim you exclusively as their boyfriend or girlfriend. We use phrases like "oh we're just talking"  or "she's my friend" or that God awful phrase T-Pain popularized, the "shawty". It's clear that something is going on between you and whoever you are seeking to get romantically involved with, but the titles are absent, along with the expectation that the person remain faithful to you and practice all the behaviors someone courting you and seeking to enter an "adult" relationship with you should engage in. Let me simplify. They can get all the perks of you being their main squeeze without having to actually work for it.

All over Instagram and Facebook, we see people who practice these behaviors. But why? You know I have a theory. We imitate what we see and what we are surrounded by. Think about this. Aside from celebrities, how many Black people do you know that are married and are not separated or divorced? Now I challenge you to get to ten. One for each finger. Can you? If you can, awesome!! Leave a comment below and tell us about those marriages. If you cannot, you are not alone. I can count my dad's marriage, my mom's marriage (before her husband passed away), my fiancé's parents, two of his sisters, his brother, my old boss, and one other lady whom I adore. I got to eight. But half of my eight are people who are part of someone elses family. So you see my point? How are we supposed to get accurate examples of Black Love and marriage when so few real examples exist around us?

Another pit fall is the idea that Black women and men have unique issues standing in their way that inhibit them from practicing traditional marriage as we know it. This article on Centric raises the issue of whether Black marriages are destined for failure and also asks some great questions. One of them being: are Black women too picky? Now a while back, I did a blog post on Black women and their sometimes unrealistic expectations in regards to the Man List. You can check it out here. But I don't think Black women are too picky when it comes to things like wanting a man that can provide for and support her, wanting a man that is honest and doesn't play games, and wanting a man that is going to stick around. These are all things that go into a stable relationship. No one wants to be constantly guessing where they stand with someone they love and care about. And if you have these expectations, there is nothing wrong with you. Keep on pushing honey!

The Centric article also raised the question on whether or not Black men are able to be faithful. This is a can of worms that I will open in another blog post. But it all depends on what you mean by faithful. Do you want him to be with you and only you? And in what regards? Sexually? Mentally? Can a man still be completely faithful to you if he has kids outside of your relationship? Because he has to take into account your feelings, the children's feelings, and the feelings of the baby mother? These are all great questions. And honestly, before you can assess whether a man can be faithful to you, you have to first define what faithful is and what you're willing to accept. The short answer to this question is, yes. Black men can be faithful, no matter who they are. But they will only be faithful to a woman who they deem is worthy, and who makes it clear that this is her expectation. Period.

Let me say this. It is okay to fall in love. The world will not end. It's also okay to have your heart broken. And there's no shame in having your heart broken more than once. The purpose of dating is to see what's out there, find out who and what you like, and go from there. Every relationship is not going to work out. That's why there are so many songs about breaking up, moving on, and finding someone new. It's just the chance that we take when we put ourselves out there. Just like anything new, there's a chance you may fail. Your partner may cheat on you, they may lie to you, they may not live up to your expectations. And you know what you do? You move on and find someone else. There is absolutely no shame in that. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your price is an old cliché for a reason. There's some truth to it.

And in regards to marriage. It's not for everyone. But even if we don't elect to get married, we have to do a better job at showing our children loving, stable relationships. Why? Read this article on fatherless Black girls their difficulty learning how to love. If you decide that you want to just be physical with people, that's perfectly acceptable. But that doesn't mean that your children need to know every man that comes through your home. And that also doesn't mean that you have to air your dirty laundry for all to see. And if you're having some issues deciding whether the feelings toward your person of interest are Love or Lust, you can read this article to gain some clarity. We are surrounded by plenty of images of booty calls and one night stand. Once we reach that point in our lives where we are ready to settle down and make a home, we must make sure that we provide an alternative to the negative media images about Black families and Black homes so the next generation can see that falling in (Black) love is possible, and it most certainly can work.

Side Note 1: Slut shaming in the Black community is a major contributor to why so many Black women cannot find a man to settle down with. If you don't know what slut shaming is, Wikipedia offers a nice definition here. Slut shaming put in more popular terms is "you can't turn a ho into a housewife". Now I'm here to tell you that statement is so very false. And it's so very sexist. Everyone has a past. We all do wild and crazy things. The difference is that when a man does it and it is publicized, it doesn't hurt his chances of  going out and finding a wife. When a woman does it, no man wants to "wife the ho". To all you Ladies out there doing in like a brother, do you. You will find someone who doesn't care about your past. If you encounter a partner that isn't secure enough in himself to accept the fact that you had a life before him that you don't have to answer for, he's just not the guy for you, no matter how awesome he may be. You don't have to feel guilty about anything you've done. And that's a fact jack. Need some reassurance? Watch the Facebook video below.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. Remember my tiny studio apartment? Cobalt blue walls with hand painted vines reaching toward the ceiling. You laid me flat out on the firmness of my cheaply made Walmart futon and covered my eyes with the Blackness of my silk scarf. Remember running ice over my bare skin? Then syrup? Then your warm pink tongue? How did it feel to taste the very best of heaven on your virgin taste buds?

Now let’s make a left on Nostalgia Avenue. All my love. My peace and happiness. I want to give it to….. You. You sang in the shower and I hummed along. Waiting for you to step out and reveal the greatness that dwelled within you. Body glistening. Branded chocolate skin. You were glowing even though the room was nearly dark. You made love to me on that cold bathroom floor. I dug my fingers deep into that sun-kissed skin. Licked those Greek Letters on your chiseled chest. Tasted the stories that you would forever keep from me. Stories that turned into dark secrets. Secrets that ripped us apart. But I can still taste the majesty of that burn. Still hearing you pledging that allegiance in my small shower.

Make a right on Reminiscent Road. A long hallway. Blue stars and men playing football. Plush couches and countless pictures of children that weren’t yours. I danced for you as you sat in that brown chair. In my purple dress. And my orange heels that you loved. We didn’t make love. You pleasured my body so well no words I put on this page could do you justice. I ain’t never felt nothing like that before. And I still haven’t to this very day.

Memories. Take me back to the places I want to visit repeatedly but can no longer go. Carry me through the recesses of the deepest parts of my mind and let me live there. Let me travel through those alleyways and side streets to the destinations that are forbidden to me outside of my psyche.  

I’m running out of gas.

Recollection Boulevard. And I’ve hit a dead end. Nowhere to go from here. No longer able to remember the small details and the little touches that once tied me to the things I desperately want to remember. Forced to turn around and make my way back through the mish mosh of happenings and occurrences. For some reason I cannot find my way through. I’m stuck on Memory Lane. And left with all the things that live there. Pain. Anger. Regret. Hurt. Love. Hope. Fear. Love. You. It’s all so foreign. But so pleasantly familiar. I can make a home on Memory Lane. Live here forever.

But I won’t. This place, filled with all of the stickiness and filth of emotions, is a place you visit. Not a place of permanence. It’s a place I must come to when I need a vacation. But right now. In this perfect piece of space and time, with this combination of this new you and this old I, I think I have to leave Memory Lane and find a new place to call home.

I love girl talk. Especially with my closest friends. Not because I like to gossip. I mean, I do appreciate some good juicy gossip, but I'm really not into spreading people's business. But because I like to hear what people have to say on various things. I like to understand why people do the things they do and make the choices that they make. Because let's be honest, people do some pretty stupid stuff. But I digress.  I was having some girl talk with a few friends of mine and we got to what my friend referred to as "her list". I'm sure plenty of you have heard of said list before. The list of requirements that women keep to judge men against. Things like he has to have a job, he has to be handsome, tall, successful, he has to have all his front teeth. You know, stuff like that. And men have them too. Don't front. We use these prerequisites to decide whether or not we want to settle down with someone for the long haul or whether the encounter is just going to be a booty call kind of thing.  Now I'm all for a list. Totally and completely. It's good to know what you want. And it saves a lot of time. I refuse to entertain anyone that is not motivated to do something better with themselves. But that's where my list ends. And maybe that's why I've dated and been in relationships with every kind of man you can think of. The over worker. The mama's boy. The player. The nerd. The baby daddy of sixty eight kids. I've dealt with them all. It's not that I didn't have standards. Some of these men I just needed something physical with. Some of them I wanted much more. It's just that with my hippie soul, I like to get to know every type of person and, again, understand why people do the things they do. If I would have had a list, I probably would be in an entirely different space in my life right now. But I digress again. To all of you that have a list, kudos!! I just want you to pull it out for a second or think of some of the things that you just cannot live without in a partner. What is on your list? If you've never thought about it, check out this article to help you get started. Some of the things I heard during girl talk were a good job, big feet (personally, I think hand size is a better indication of what he's working with), straight teeth, a college degree, any kind of car, a good relationship with his mother, and he has to love kids. These are all great things to have on your list. Hell, I even had to sit and think about what I would really and truly want out of a partner if I was in the dating game again. So again, look at your list or think about it in your head and let's move along.  Now for all of those who have things like he has to have a six figure income or wash board abs, I strongly suggest you go pick up a copy of this book I just read, It's Okay To Sleep With Him On The First Date: And Every Other Rule Of Dating Debunked. In it, one of the authors, Andrea Syrtash talks about the list and how her list changed dramatically when she started looking into why she wanted the things that she had written down. My favorite line in this section of the book is: 

"Dig deeper than the superficial stuff, since the superficial stuff changes with time......" Syrtash, p. 168

I couldn't have said it better. My friend, bless her simple soul (you know I love you girl), mentioned things like he has to have locs down to his butt, and he has to wake up before her every morning, and he has to like to travel. So for argument sake, let's break down those things. She's really conscious when it comes to Black social and political issues. So she assumes that locs on a man means that he values these things too. After all, locs are supposed to be a rebellious hairstyle symbolizing that you're "down with the cause". But I shut that down real quick. Lil Wayne, Wiz, Two Chainz, Future, they all have locs. Not saying that they are bad men to date. There is someone for everyone out there. But I know they just aren't her type.  I asked if she would date any of those men. I got no answer. She should probably change that to a man that is passionate about the same things that she is. And list those things she's passionate about. She might start attracting a different type of man.

As for waking up before her, why is that important to her? Does she want him to start their day by making breakfast and coffee. Then maybe she wants a man that's considerate. Or maybe she wants him to be up and out the door before her headed to work. Then she wants a hard worker. A provider. Someone who will take care of her financially. And the love of travel? Maybe she wants someone adventurous. Maybe she wants a man that likes to explore. Or someone impulsive who likes to do things spur of the moment. Dig deeper into the things you want from your partner. Apart from the basic things. If you're ready to really start looking to settle down, and I didn't say get married, I said SETTLE DOWN, I suggest that you know what you're looking for. Or else you'll be like me with a bunch of bullshit experiences with a bunch of different people.

And of course I must say, your list will not be exhaustive and all inclusive. Which means, it's not going to have everything you want or everything you don't want in a man. That will come with time. And don't be stupid! Just because a man may not have everything on your list doesn't mean he's not a keeper. I strongly suggest putting a star next to the things that you cannot live without in a partner. Those are the things that can make or break your union. The other stuff would be nice to have. And those are the things that you can compromise and be flexible on. Again, I learned this the hard way. I compromised on the things that I needed in order to love a person. Like really be in love with them. And my relationship fell apart because of it. So don't be like me. Do better.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. You (or a friend) are dating a guy, and you place no rules or regulations on him. He's a friend with benefits or just a cool guy you hang out with (and happen to have feelings for) and he views you the same way, minus the romantic feelings. You guys go to the movies, but it's not a date. You invite him over for game night, drink, laugh, have a good time, maybe even fornicate a little bit, but there is still no relationship. He sometimes says you're like his "homegirl" or his "little sister". He likes you because you're low maintenance, like to watch football, don't demand to talk about feelings or define your relationship. He doesn't contact you for days at a time but you're always there when he needs you to be. Congratulations. You (or your friend) are officially the chill girl.
Now my issue is not with girls that are genuinely fine with playing this role. Sometimes we have guy friends that are just that, friends. We don't sleep with them. We don't secretly want to be with them. They're just cool. What I do have a problem with is the fakers. The girls that pretend they like sports just to please their crush. The girls that pretend that they don't care about him coming over and getting some and then leaving two hours later. The girls that say they're not like other girls because they don't need to be in a relationship or don't need him to call you his girlfriend. You pretend that the confusing little dance that you and him are doing is just fine although you don't know where you stand or what the future holds. Stop that.
The truth is, this is just another way that we as women try to please men that really aren't worth much of anything. We want to be with them. We want to be in relationships. We want him all to ourselves. But we suppress these feelings and pretend that we're emotionless little robots just so that he'll stay around. But what does that get you? Disappointment. Confusion. Anger. Hurt. You can keep all that too. I don't need any. Thank you. And you have no one to blame but yourself. You made him think you were something that you're not. And don't think he's going to pick up on the signs that you're unhappy or pretending. Men are simple creatures. What you tell them is what they believe. And it gets no deeper than that. Trust me.
Now let's flip this coin here. Say that you actually start talking to a guy and you, GASP!, be yourself?!?! What if when you feel that he's disrespected you or made you feel some type of way, you actually say something? What if after you guys have hung out for a while, you tell him you want something more serious? You actually call him out when he doesn't honor the commitment that you guys made to each other? You let him know that you like to wear heels through the mall? What if you want him to pay for a date and not go dutch? How different would your interactions with this man be? How much happier would you feel when you know what the hell is going on and you don't have to guess and tip toe around his feelings and your own?
Let me warn you. Most guys that are happy to have you as the "chill girl" are not going to like when you start making demands. They're going to high tail it out of there and say that you're too clingy and needy. You'll be characterized as the girl who was trying to tie him down and make him put a ring on it. Be prepared. The men that are not ready for a commitment are going to think you are possessed and avoid you like the plague. And that's fine. At least you know now. Instead of you pretending to be someone you're not to please him and wasting everyone's time anyway. You're not going to die if he stops contacting you.* You might actually start to live a little. You actually have a chance to learn who you are outside of him and use that to attract a man that is ready to take things where you want to take them. Oh happy day!! 
Let me validate you for a second. It's okay to be a girl. It's okay to wear heels and make up for a guy and not be afraid that he's going to think you're high maintenance. It's okay to want to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. If he's into you, he's going to want to cuddle too. Or not. Maybe he's not a cuddler. But he'll want to be close. It's okay for you to shriek when you see a spider. Being feminine and fitting into the box when it comes to certain things "girly" is okay. It doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. You can be the girliest girl in the world and still kick some ass. You don't have to negate your femininity in order to please a man. Tell him that this is what the package comes with. He can take it or leave it. That simple.
Okay, let's close this puppy out. If you're really a chill girl, go ahead and chill out. But don't pretend to be something you're not. Don't fake the funk when he forgets your birthday or orders food and doesn't get you anything. Your feelings are allowed. Don't believe me? Read it again here. Again, men are simple creatures. How is he supposed to know what you want if you don't tell him, or even worse, if you pretend to be fine with whatever he does. Girl bye. At some point, when you're done playing around and sowing your wild oats, you're going to want to be in a relationship on your own terms. And you should have that right. Just make sure you're you, you don't play those childish games, you make it clear what you want as you go along, and you remain true to you. The only person that can truly keep you in the chill girl zone is you.
*Although you may not die, you may feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. You will feel like you did everything in the world for this man and he doesn't appreciate you. You will feel like you want to punch him in the chest. You will cry. You may eat excessive amount of chocolate. It's okay. Let it out. And then pick up the pieces and move on. His loss.

I've never been the jealous type of girlfriend. I'm all for my significant other having friends, being friendly with girls, and even talking to their exes. My whole thing is, if she was really that great, he would still be with her and wouldn't be wasting his time with me. Period. Plus, I was not above having my own little thing going on. So he could do as he pleased because I was doing the same. But lately, I'm starting to get super duper paranoid. Maybe it's because I'm actually marrying the the guy I'm with now and I don't want any third parties in our relationship. Maybe it's because now I don't have my own thing on the side and it's just me and him rocking this out until death do us part (omg! that whole sentence just scared the shit out of me!). Can you tell I'm scared of marriage? 
So with all this being said, thoughts of snooping have sometimes crossed my mind. Let me define what I mean by snooping here. Going through your partner's phone while their asleep or in the shower? Snooping. Going through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, e-mails, etc. while your partner is not around because they left it open? Snooping. Going through phone records to see who your partner is calling and what number they contact most frequently? Snooping. Got it? Snooping is basically any attempt to get into your partners private information without their knowledge or consent. That's my definition. Plain and simple.
 Now based on what I've read online, girls are all about snooping!! Demanding that their man unlock his phone any and everywhere to allow her to go through his messages and pictures. Scrolling through his Facebook messages and Instagram DM's, which were created by the devil to ruin relationships, in order to see what he's been doing and who he's been talking to. And heaven forbid she finds something! Sweet baby Jesus. Hell and fury will rain down on his soul and he will forever be cursed with the nagging, insecure girlfriend. Gasp! 
But let's be honest here. When you go snooping, you're already looking to find something. You already have it set in your mind that they've been doing something and you're just looking for evidence to back you up. And I know your reasoning. If he has nothing to hide, I won't have anything to find. Snooping is just your way to make sure that everything is fine and you have nothing to worry about. If they haven't been doing anything than you can look all day long, get caught up on what's going on in their life, and have peace of mind that you and your partner are in a good space.
I have not known or heard of a case of snooping that turned out well. There have even been cases where snooping turned out to ruin the best surprise of your entire life. Check out an example here. And think about this. Even if he texts the cute neighbor across the street and she thanks him for helping her with her groceries, groceries that you saw him carry in, you swear that he kissed her on the way out of the house and that they're having an affair. And what happens when he says it's not true? You swear he's lying! You scream and yell at him. He thinks you're crazy and leaves your crazy behind alone. And rightfully so.
So I've boiled it down to two reasons why we snoop. Insecurities within yourself or lack of trust in your partner. Now for yourself, you have to work on that honey. If he chose to be with you, you're it. You have something that no other girl has and it's what he's looking for. Be proud. Now if you go through his stuff and he's still playing around with other people, obviously he hasn't chosen to be with you. He's chosen to lie to you to make you believe certain things to keep you around as an option. That is not a choice. So go on and let that man go. I know, sounds so simple right? I'm not dismissing that we get lonely and we want a companion. Plus he's cute and drives a nice car. But is it really worth the bullcrap he puts you through? The fights? The toll is takes on your sanity? I think not.
Now as for lack of trust in him, ya'll need to talk that out. If you find something while snooping that is incriminating, I'm not saying to hit the road. I don't believe in that once a cheater, always a cheater. We make mistakes. We're human. I am saying that you guys need to have a frank conversation about it and nip that in the bud. And if he lies about everything? Then you leave his sorry ass alone and keep it pushing. Why are you still lying? I never understand that. I CAUGHT YOU and you still can't come clean. From that point on, there is nothing more to be said. Bye bye Charlie. Hopefully whoever he was talking to on the side will be more understanding.
Now how do I feel about snooping? The crazy, paranoid, about to get married me is all for it. But the rational me thinks it's a no go. My fiance is an expert snooper. He can find anything. But there is nothing for him to find. There are no locks on any of my devices, he knows all of my passwords, and I never sign out of the accounts anyway. But even if I did, he would find a way to get into everything. As I stated before, I'm terrible at it. So I don't do it. I forget his unlock code when he shows me. I forget the passwords he gives me. I just don't care enough to snoop. I have better stuff to do. I'm busy. I have a full time job, I write two blogs, I have a two year old, and I am planning a wedding. I have shit to do. So snooping is nowhere on this agenda. 
And I don't think you should do it either. His phone on the table is not an invitation to go through and see what he's been doing. Ask. The way he answers the question will tell you everything that you need to know. Trust me. Simplify why you feel like you have to snoop and tie it into one of the reasons that I stated above. Then address it and decide if you want to continue with this behavior or trust your partner, address the issues within yourself, and enjoy your relationship. It is such a true statement that if you don't have trust you don't have anything. Take heed to those words.
So to all my expert snoopers out there, ahem ahem, stop. If your partner cannot be honest with you, then you don't need to be with them. We all get those moments when we feel like our partner is being too friendly with the sales girl or we get a knot in our stomach when their phone goes off at three in the morning and it's right there next to you. Unlocked. And the message flashes across the screen. Look at you! I know that light bulb just went off in your head. And I know you would look! It's time to start having some frank conversations. It's time to start putting the trust back into our relationships and the peace back into our homes. It's time to deal with insecurities and lack of pride within ourselves. Take baby steps. The next time you see your partner's Facebook open for all to see, walk slowly away from the screen. Nothing good can come of that.

I surely would be in jail had anyone seen me. Peeking cautiously through a gap in our brown wooden fence. 
But here I was peeking. 
And there they were in their backyard. Engulfed in fresh flowers and unhindered lust. She wore an over sized white t-shirt. Her firm nipples peaking through the thin metal material. He wore black basketball shorts. His pudgy belly covering his elastic waist band and braided string. 
She kissed him repeatedly, as if to make sure that he was ready. And to absolutely guarantee that she was too. 
His hands were all over her. Up and down her legs. Over her shoulders. Through her hair. And especially on her bare behind. I was supposed to be watering my herb garden. A new thing I had started ever since my husband decided he was tired of the processed taste of supermarket food. What a hippie. 
But instead, here I was, watching this man slowly slip this white cotton tee over this woman's head and reveal her vulnerabilities to the world. No panties to cover her feminine parts. No top to cover the young perkiness that he was so eager to enjoy. He remain clothed, only pulling what he needed up over the top of his baggy shorts. Her naked and free. Him only giving and revealing what he wanted her to have. The part of him that would give him the most pleasure. What proved he was a man. 
More kisses shared and I realized that my sage was over-watered and my oregano was dry as a bone. But I didn't care. He has begun positioning his body under hers. Ready for lift off. Preparing to enter outer space and shoot straight for the moon and stars. 
He was so rough. But she was so obliging. And commanding. She wrapped his arms around her waist, lifted her hips, and sat down on his pleasure stick. And so she began rocking them to heaven. Slowly. Surely. Confidently. 
I was hypnotized. I just couldn't make myself look away. Not even when I heard my husband come through the front door. They were moving with the rhythm of their own desires. Rocking to their own gratification. Her arms casually draped around his neck. His arms falling lower. His hands gripping her hips, squeezing her behind, causing the cheeks to turn red. 
My husband called my name and I felt the heat rising in my body. This gap in the fence  was consuming all of my thoughts. I was watching the body movements. Watching him rise to her buck. Watching her toes curl. Watching his fingers tremble. Watching her back arch. His chest rise and fall. Faster each time. She bites her lip. He pulls her closer. They dig deeper. Fly higher. Push harder. 
She finally verbalized her gratification. A low, throaty moan. I felt it deep down in the forbidden parts of my own womanhood. And in walked my husband. Not a moment too soon. Perfect. Passionate. Sexy. Edible. 
I gave him the eyes. 
didn't even say hello. He grabbed me. We dropped to the floor. Crushing all of the greenery beneath our weight. I was no longer concerned with the gap in the fence. I had my own zealous cries to make. Our love sounds and passion cries competed with those next to us. 
And quite frankly, there is no competition. 
Perhaps next week they will be peaking at us through that same gap in the fence. Staring. Gazing. Observing. Learning. Taking us all in. And they surely would see a few new things. My husband and I are great teachers. 
But for now, our chords and theirs would come together and create a beautiful symphony of love, affection, and sex. For now, we would prove that Black Love is alive and well. No competition. Just enjoyment. And we had just one for our naughty neighbors. Touché.

Before you get all squeemish and judgmental, remember this. In all of my posts I attempt to be fair and non-judgmental to everyone, unless your behaviors dictate that I should think otherwise. On sensitive subjects like this, I do my best to be judgment free. And you should be too. So take off your religious and social hats for the duration of this post and just read as a human being. Thank you.
I've gotten a few requests for this topic in the past but I wasn't sure that I wanted to address it. I was going to leave it alone until I saw this article in the August edition of Cosmopolitan (if you don't know by now, that's my favorite magazine!) stating that bisexuals have more health risks than those who identify as gay or straight. It claims that because of the stigma placed on bisexuals they are more prone to depression, violence, and sexually transmitted diseases. After reading this I decided to just take a stab at it. I started looking online at different articles and videos to help me gather my thoughts and figure out how I really felt about the matter. So here it goes.
Bisexuality is a tricky topic because many people think it simply doesn't exist. Bisexual people are either straight people that want to have sex with everyone or gay people that refuse to come out of the closet. This is what I see and hear whenever the topic is discussed. People use words like confused, promiscuous, experimenting, and loose. Some people use even harsher words than that. And truthfully, bisexuals are really not accepted by either community. It's like being mixed race. You don't really belong to either side. So how do you tackle a topic that most of society already feels so strongly about? Like this.
First, as always, let's define what I mean by bisexual. A bisexual person is one who is attracted physically or emotionally to members of both sexes. And no, that one time in college or that one time in band camp does not count. I mean a genuine, ongoing attraction. And I didn't get that from anywhere. I made that up all on my own. For a more thorough definition and a personal story dealing with bisexuality, head on over here. Bisexual people are neither gay nor straight, they just are. So we see where the complication comes in. In a world that forces us to put labels on everything and define every aspect or ourselves, it's really hard for a bi-sexual person to explain who they really are. I mean, they can't possibly be attracted to both sexes in the same way. They must prefer one over the other. But that's just it. They don't. Just like straight people have different preferences when it comes to what they look for in a partner, it's the same for a bi-sexual person. They are simply attracted to different people for different reasons. Nothing wrong with that. 
For me, bisexuality is more about being attracted to traits and genders than it is to the physical sex itself. Let me explain. We as women are mostly attracted to men because they display male traits such as dominance and strength. We often say we want a provider and a man that is independent and takes care of his own. Same thing for men. They are usually attracted to feminine traits such as beauty. Men want a woman that is nurturing, caring, emotional, and soft. Now I know these are very stereotypical traits. Please forgive me. Just follow along for the sake of argument. 
Bisexual women may be attracted to a man because they display predominantly male traits and attracted to a woman because she displays these traits as well. Same thing for a man. He may be attracted to women because he likes the nurturing, feminine side but he may also find these traits attractive in a man. Or you know what, bisexuals may like both traits because they themselves are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities. Like every straight or gay person, every bisexual person is different and they choose to identity as bisexual for different reasons. The point is, I believe that it's less about the sex when it comes to sexual orientation and more about the attraction.
Now the issue becomes even more complex when you think about bisexual men vs. bisexual women. Bisexual women are often thought of as fast. They just want to sleep with everyone without discretion. And I often hear that their boyfriends automatically think it means they are going to have a threesome. It's sexy and sometimes even desirable. But not when it comes to men. Bisexual men are often thought of as a "closet" gay who are trying to cover it up by dating women. As this New York Times article put is, they are either straight, gay, or lying. There was even an experiment done that measured how bisexual men responded to gay and straight erotica by measuring genital response, also detailed in the New York Times article (link above). 
But honestly, measuring genital response means nothing. Bisexuality is so much more than how our private parts respond to sexual stimulation. It's about attraction. I mean, think about this. When you are in a relationship with someone, especially for a long period of time, eventually the physical part of the relationship starts to fade (omg!! say it ain't so!) and the emotional attraction you feel toward each other is what keeps it all together. It's why wise people tell you that you should date your best friend or why you often hear that you should be with someone your compatible with. Trey Songz said it in terms that some of you understand better. Sex ain't better than love. Because sex fades. It's your love and your emotional attachment to your partner that keeps everything alive. So can you really measure how someone feels about something based on their sexual response? I think not.
Okay, let's wrap this bad boy up. Bisexuality does exist. But it is much more complex than we think it is. Just because someone chooses to settle down with a man (or a woman) does not negate their attraction to both sexes. It's just who they chose. Alan Cumming best sums it up when he says that he still identifies as bisexual even though he has decided to marry his male partner. And for those of you out there who are bisexual and questioning your sexuality, here are some words for you: watch this video. You are not alone. The world will eventually come around. 
And if you are a bisexual looking for some guidance or somewhere to turn to without judgment, you should go here. Trust me, I know it's hard living in a world that doesn't understand you and constantly makes assumptions about your choices and the way that you live. Just keep doing you. The biggest insult to anyone who says anything negative is to prove them wrong.
And for those of you who are friends with a bisexual or another member of the LGBT community, Cosmo offers some great tips on what to say and what not to say to a bisexual friend in the article mentioned above. They also have an awesome online article on what not to say to a bisexual friend. And some of us need that because we're good at putting our foot in your mouths. So check it out. Let's all work together at judging less and understanding more. We're all different. And that's okay. If you don't agree with it, fine. But keep your negativity to yourself. We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.

Okay, here we go with the societal rules and expectations again. Why is this even still a topic of discussion? Why in a generation where Rihanna can bare it all, literally, are we still judging people for having sex on the first date? Sex on the first date is just that: sex. If you decide that you want to sleep with someone on the first date, third date, seventh date, a year later, who really cares?

So, we all knew this post was coming. I've had a couple of e-mails for this and a few verbal requests too, so I thought it was time to talk about this. Before we get started though, I need you to clear your mind. Don't read this post with any biases, any past hurts, or any preconceived notions. Hard right? I know. But just try. We all go in looking to bash or demonize the side chick when the truth is, most of us have been one. Knowingly or not. So none of us are in any position to judge anybody. So don't do it.

Let's get started by defining what a side chick is. My definition of the side chick is as follows:

Side Piece: A person (male or female) who is actively participating in a romantic relationship with someone who has a steady or "main" partner already i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, boo, or bae. 

I know, the definition is as basic as they come, but I just want to be clear.

Now, I'm not a big fan of monogamy. I do it because it's the best way to provide stability and raise my son. Plus I have such an amazing partner. So that makes it bundles easier! With this being said, I don't really feel any type of way about the side piece. Truthfully, I know many women and men who would rather be the piece on the side than the main thing any day. Less headache. Less expectation. More time for yourself. You have no one to answer to. Plus, it's more fun. I read an article online that details relationship advice from a 98 year old woman. You know this lady has some gems! But out of her three marriages, she states that her lover was who she was the "most mad" about. Flings are exciting. There are no expectations.  For some people, it just works. And what do we hear every day of our lives? Do what makes you happy. So what if being the thing on the side makes you happy? Should you not do it?

The issue comes in when we start dealing with relationships and ethics. Most people don't want the person they are in a relationship with to be romantically involved with anyone else. Period. No late night texts. No going out to dinner. You just don't do it. I hate to say this, but in most relationships, it's like you own the person. This person is MINE MINE MINE!!!!!! And nobody else can have what we have. And my partner cannot give to anyone what they give to me. This what I hate about monogamy. I belong to me. You belong to you. And if we decide to share ourselves with each other so be it. But if I share myself with you, it doesn't mean you OWN me. It means I let you into my personal self, we are going on this relationship journey together, but we are still two separate people. No ownership involved.

But I digress. Let's get back on track. The side piece poses a problem because they throw a money wrench in our traditional view of monogamy. There is no room for a third person in a relationship. They steal attention. They make us insecure. They ruin marriages and break up families. They dissolve the trust between two people (if they are kept a secret). They secretly worship the devil. They make your hair fall out. And they're trying to take what's yours. Oh hell no!! Somebody has to stop these Godforsaken people!

Let's look at it another way. Some side pieces are not out to steal your partner. They just want to have a little fun. They're not looking to settle down and inherit this person they're messing with. After all, they already know that this person is a dishonest, cheating, sack of (insert your own word here). Why the hell would anybody want that? Especially if they are looking to settle down and be with one person forever. They just want the affection. The free stuff. The late night booty calls. You can keep everything else. These side pieces are looking for a good time. The end.

But there are some people out there on the side who are looking to be the main. And I have to say to you, you are STUPID. No. No. No. No. No. If this person is sneaking around with you, chances are they will sneak around ON YOU. And if this person you want to make your main thing doesn't even respect your feelings enough to dead it with their current partner, why the hell would they respect your feelings on anything else in the future? As the side piece, it is their job to make you feel good. It is their job to keep the peace with you. After all, if your side piece is miserable and unhappy then it would be like a regular relationship. Who the hell wants two stressful ass unions? Not me!! If you find yourself catching feelings for your partner, and you know you're the side chick, leave that mess alone. Now. It starts getting too messy after that.

Speaking of messy. You side pieces have to know your freaking place. Sheesh. Need help knowing the boundaries? Watch this video. Let me tell you something. If you messy females call me on some crazy mess, I'm going to give you my man's number (which you probably already have) and tell you to take it up with him. I don't have nothing to do with what goes on between ya'll. I only deal with him and me. You have to take your beef to someone that can actually do something about it. And that surely ain't me! So stop with the messiness. Don't go calling their partner or spouse looking for revenge. You just look foolish. Don't key their car because you will go to jail. I promise you. Don't leave ear rings or panties behind on purpose. You're going to need those further on down the line. And do you really think somebody that's cheating isn't going to check behind you after you go? If they don't, they want to get caught! Stop with the messiness. You have got
to do better.

So I don't have any other "tips" or "advice" for the side pieces out there. Each situation is different. Do you. I don't care. I'm not even going to lie. If I found out that my partner cheated on me, I would ask why he felt like he couldn't be honest with me. Then I'd ask if he was leaving me so I know if I have to get another job to take care of me and my son. I mean, I just want to be clear. And if we work it all out? I don't give two craps about the other girl. I don't know her. And she don't know me. I'm not going to look for her or cyber stalk her or anything like that. I have things to do. I do know this though. If she's going to continue to be in my relationship, she better start dropping some money on these bills up in here. If me and my partner are both working and trying to make this family work, if you're going to mess around with my man, heffa you better contribute too. Pay up. And that's that.

Oh yeah! I do want to say this though. When you find out your partner is messing around with someone else, I do think it's foolish to go after the side piece. After all, they didn't make a commitment to you, your partner did. Your partner lied. They didn't. Your partner led you on and fed you false promises. Not them. So why, in most cases, do most people go after the side piece as if they are the problem? No. Sit down and stop being stupid. Deal with your dishonest partner and figure out why they're stepping outside of what you guys created for fulfillment. Because you know what? If you don't address those issues, you may be able to get rid of one side piece, but trust and believe, there will be someone else to take their place very soon. Again, stop being stupid.

Okay, that's it. Summary please. Side pieces exist. I don't care either way. Every relationship is so different, every side relationship is so different, you can't really have an opinion either way. To all you side pieces out there, be careful. Some people will kill over their partner. No person is worth dying for. And to all you people who have been cheated on or find out about their partner's side piece, do what's best for you and your relationship. If you love them and think you can work it out. Stay. It's on you. Again, I couldn't care less. I'm over here writing blogs and raising my son. I got things to do. And that's all I have to say about that.

So let me just start by saying that this topic was a special request from my significant other because he thinks I'm horrible at communicating (ironic right?). It's not that I'm bad at it. I am really good with words. Honest. It's just that I'm all about efficiency and purpose. In an argument, I believe you say what you have to say, I say what I have to say, and then we're done. Let's agree to disagree and move on to something else. Not him. He wants to talk and find solutions to every single issue that we have. The problem with that is, some problems don't have solutions. You just have to respect each other's feelings and let it be. I have things to do. I don't want to sit and keep having the same discussion forty five times. So he wanted me to do this post on communication because he thinks it's an opportunity area for us (I do not). This one is for you James.

• Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're communicating.
• Just because words are coming out of your mouth and your partner is supposed to be listening doesn't mean you're communicating. You have to be saying something of value, and something that pertains to the issue at hand. Aimless talking gets you nowhere and it gets frustrating for the person who genuinely wants to get the problem solved. And your listener has to be open to listening. I mean, what's the point of talking to someone who isn't taking in what you're saying? Communicating has to be a two way street. Speak how you feel on the matter at hand and make sure your partner is really ingesting your concerns. It shows they care and it'll likely prevent the same issues from happening again in the future.
• You have to be honest or else the entire conversation is pointless.
• I hate when you're trying to talk to your partner and you know everything coming out of their mouth is a damn lie (luckily I've never had that problem with Dean). Like, do you think I'm a freaking idiot? I refuse to sit down and talk to someone and they can't even respect me enough to tell me the truth. So don't do that. That's a no no. Be honest and keep it real. And if you feel like your partner is being dishonest, DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY. Lay your evidence on the table and ask for an explanation. And don't be loud and ghetto with it. This is not reality TV. And if your partner still doesn't come clean? Get the hell out of there. They're a liar, in which case you don't want anything to do with them anyway.
• Treat arguments like a debate.
• This is something that I read somewhere online and I think is a great idea. Just like a debate, one person talks for one minute then gives their partner a minute to express their thoughts and offer rebuttal. You can keep this going until both of you feel like you've gotten everything off of your chest, or you can just set a time limit. Set aside ten minutes, each of you gets five chances to talk. Once the time is up, try to think of a solution. If you both are just over it and feel like no solution is available that will appease both sides, please see the next tip.
• Know when to say when.
• We all know that couple that fights from the house, to the car, to their destination, back home, and into the next day. That is exhausting and just plain annoying. To me, arguments are over when you start repeating the same things that you've said before. I heard you the first time you said it, please don't keep repeating it over and over again. It's also time to call it quits when someone loses their cool. If at any point either of you starts getting loud and irrational, take a breather and read the next tip. Once the cool off period is done, try again. If it still doesn't get anywhere, just be done with it. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, even those in a relationship and this something we just have to accept.
• Have a cool off period.
• This is the most important part, and the part that keeps you from killing each other or breaking up every time you have a little spat. Pick a corner and cool off. I'm terrible at letting things bother me for days and days. I'll just not say anything to anyone. Don't do that. It's childish and makes your partner annoy the hell out of you until you talk to them (that gets on my LAST NERVE!!!). Take an hour or two, take a deep breath, and re-open the door to let your partner in, literally or figuratively. Even if they choose to remain upset, at least you've extended the invitation. They'll come around eventually. 
• Find what works best for you.
• Some people like to write it out. Some people like to sit across from each other and just talk. Some people like to be in public places to express themselves. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting your thoughts our of your head and go with it. Not everyone is the same. And if you and your partner have different ways of communicating, try to merge them and make them work. After all, the point is really to just get things off your chest and try to find a fix that will make everyone happy. It'll take time, but once you both master what method of expression works for you both, you'll see things drastically change.