On: Communication
1:23 PM
- Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're communicating.
- Just because words are coming out of your mouth and your partner is supposed to be listening doesn't mean you're communicating. You have to be saying something of value, and something that pertains to the issue at hand. Aimless talking gets you nowhere and it gets frustrating for the person who genuinely wants to get the problem solved. And your listener has to be open to listening. I mean, what's the point of talking to someone who isn't taking in what you're saying? Communicating has to be a two way street. Speak how you feel on the matter at hand and make sure your partner is really ingesting your concerns. It shows they care and it'll likely prevent the same issues from happening again in the future.
- You have to be honest or else the entire conversation is pointless.
- I hate when you're trying to talk to your partner and you know everything coming out of their mouth is a damn lie (luckily I've never had that problem with Dean). Like, do you think I'm a freaking idiot? I refuse to sit down and talk to someone and they can't even respect me enough to tell me the truth. So don't do that. That's a no no. Be honest and keep it real. And if you feel like your partner is being dishonest, DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY. Lay your evidence on the table and ask for an explanation. And don't be loud and ghetto with it. This is not reality TV. And if your partner still doesn't come clean? Get the hell out of there. They're a liar, in which case you don't want anything to do with them anyway.
- Treat arguments like a debate.
- This is something that I read somewhere online and I think is a great idea. Just like a debate, one person talks for one minute then gives their partner a minute to express their thoughts and offer rebuttal. You can keep this going until both of you feel like you've gotten everything off of your chest, or you can just set a time limit. Set aside ten minutes, each of you gets five chances to talk. Once the time is up, try to think of a solution. If you both are just over it and feel like no solution is available that will appease both sides, please see the next tip.
- Know when to say when.
- We all know that couple that fights from the house, to the car, to their destination, back home, and into the next day. That is exhausting and just plain annoying. To me, arguments are over when you start repeating the same things that you've said before. I heard you the first time you said it, please don't keep repeating it over and over again. It's also time to call it quits when someone loses their cool. If at any point either of you starts getting loud and irrational, take a breather and read the next tip. Once the cool off period is done, try again. If it still doesn't get anywhere, just be done with it. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, even those in a relationship and this something we just have to accept.
- Have a cool off period.
- This is the most important part, and the part that keeps you from killing each other or breaking up every time you have a little spat. Pick a corner and cool off. I'm terrible at letting things bother me for days and days. I'll just not say anything to anyone. Don't do that. It's childish and makes your partner annoy the hell out of you until you talk to them (that gets on my LAST NERVE!!!). Take an hour or two, take a deep breath, and re-open the door to let your partner in, literally or figuratively. Even if they choose to remain upset, at least you've extended the invitation. They'll come around eventually.
- Find what works best for you.
- Some people like to write it out. Some people like to sit across from each other and just talk. Some people like to be in public places to express themselves. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting your thoughts our of your head and go with it. Not everyone is the same. And if you and your partner have different ways of communicating, try to merge them and make them work. After all, the point is really to just get things off your chest and try to find a fix that will make everyone happy. It'll take time, but once you both master what method of expression works for you both, you'll see things drastically change.
Dean also wanted to put his two cents in for this post, I mean he did request it after all. So here are a few tips on communication from a guys perspective.
- Communication takes patience.
- I think this was a personal jab. I'm guilty of that thing that girls do when they're boyfriend asks them 100 times what's the matter and they say nothing 100 times even though we're clearly slamming dishes, slamming doors, huffing and puffing, crying, and giving him the death stare. It's gotten to the point where he now politely asks me if we can just skip that part and get straight to what's bothering me. But you know what, I'm just trying to process my thoughts and get my sentences to make sense so I don't sound crazy. But that takes patience on his part. He'll keep digging, and keep asking, and keep nagging until I want to punch him right in his left eye. But you know what, it works. And I end up spilling my guts. So have patience.
- Both people must be level headed.
- Another personal jab. I don't know what it is about Dean, but he just gets under my skin. With every other guy I've dated, when they piss me off, I can just give them the crazy, psychotic smile, and be done with them. They could never get a rise out of me. Ever. But this guy right here? I swear he has a button that he can push to send me into insanity. I want to push him off the edge of our balcony, I swear. I admit, it makes it hard to communicate with me, especially because I lose my cool so easily. It makes it hard to talk to me because I'm not making sense and everything he says I'm just shouting and talking over him. I'm learning slowly. Take a second, breath, and try to express myself with some kind of sanity. It makes everything go much more smoothly, it makes me understand him better, and it usually helps us effectively deal with any problems we may be having.
- Talking and finding resolutions to problems is necessary for any relationship to work.
- I am not a problem solver. I will let things sit unresolved until the end of time. I don't care. I am the queen of ignoring. Not Mr. Dean. He wants to solve every problem. He wants a period on the end of every argument. I get it. If you don't really deal with the issues and attempt to solve them, you just keep arguing about the same thing over and over again. I understand the reasoning. This is where being level headed and understanding comes in. You're going to have to compromise, give a little, and make some changes in order for things to work. It'll end the argument, stop you guys from fighting about the same things in the future, and make each of you feel valued. You're being heard and your feelings and problems are being addressed. I get it Dean. Thank you.
Like I said, communication is a work in progress for us, but I think I'm getting a lot better. A big part of it is that I have someone who is so open to communicate. I grew up in a house where we all held things inside, which is why I have no problem stuffing things deep down and going on about my day. But he wants to talk about EVERYTHING!! How was my day? How am I feeling? Do I like these pants with those shoes? Do I think we should cut Dylan's hair? Did you sleep well? Christ. Please! But I'm lucky. I could have the opposite. A man that never talked about how he felt and could care less about me and my emotions. And then we'd be two miserable, upset people that never talked about anything. I get it. Gosh. I'll try to do better. I promise.
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