Tell me if this sounds familiar. You (or a friend) are dating a guy, and you place no rules or regulations on him. He's a friend with benefits or just a cool guy you hang out with (and happen to have feelings for) and he views you the same way, minus the romantic feelings. You guys go to the movies, but it's not a date. You invite him over for game night, drink, laugh, have a good time, maybe even fornicate a little bit, but there is still no relationship. He sometimes says you're like his "homegirl" or his "little sister". He likes you because you're low maintenance, like to watch football, don't demand to talk about feelings or define your relationship. He doesn't contact you for days at a time but you're always there when he needs you to be. Congratulations. You (or your friend) are officially the chill girl.
Now my issue is not with girls that are genuinely fine with playing this role. Sometimes we have guy friends that are just that, friends. We don't sleep with them. We don't secretly want to be with them. They're just cool. What I do have a problem with is the fakers. The girls that pretend they like sports just to please their crush. The girls that pretend that they don't care about him coming over and getting some and then leaving two hours later. The girls that say they're not like other girls because they don't need to be in a relationship or don't need him to call you his girlfriend. You pretend that the confusing little dance that you and him are doing is just fine although you don't know where you stand or what the future holds. Stop that.
The truth is, this is just another way that we as women try to please men that really aren't worth much of anything. We want to be with them. We want to be in relationships. We want him all to ourselves. But we suppress these feelings and pretend that we're emotionless little robots just so that he'll stay around. But what does that get you? Disappointment. Confusion. Anger. Hurt. You can keep all that too. I don't need any. Thank you. And you have no one to blame but yourself. You made him think you were something that you're not. And don't think he's going to pick up on the signs that you're unhappy or pretending. Men are simple creatures. What you tell them is what they believe. And it gets no deeper than that. Trust me.
Now let's flip this coin here. Say that you actually start talking to a guy and you, GASP!, be yourself?!?! What if when you feel that he's disrespected you or made you feel some type of way, you actually say something? What if after you guys have hung out for a while, you tell him you want something more serious? You actually call him out when he doesn't honor the commitment that you guys made to each other? You let him know that you like to wear heels through the mall? What if you want him to pay for a date and not go dutch? How different would your interactions with this man be? How much happier would you feel when you know what the hell is going on and you don't have to guess and tip toe around his feelings and your own?
Let me warn you. Most guys that are happy to have you as the "chill girl" are not going to like when you start making demands. They're going to high tail it out of there and say that you're too clingy and needy. You'll be characterized as the girl who was trying to tie him down and make him put a ring on it. Be prepared. The men that are not ready for a commitment are going to think you are possessed and avoid you like the plague. And that's fine. At least you know now. Instead of you pretending to be someone you're not to please him and wasting everyone's time anyway. You're not going to die if he stops contacting you.* You might actually start to live a little. You actually have a chance to learn who you are outside of him and use that to attract a man that is ready to take things where you want to take them. Oh happy day!!
Let me validate you for a second. It's okay to be a girl. It's okay to wear heels and make up for a guy and not be afraid that he's going to think you're high maintenance. It's okay to want to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. If he's into you, he's going to want to cuddle too. Or not. Maybe he's not a cuddler. But he'll want to be close. It's okay for you to shriek when you see a spider. Being feminine and fitting into the box when it comes to certain things "girly" is okay. It doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. You can be the girliest girl in the world and still kick some ass. You don't have to negate your femininity in order to please a man. Tell him that this is what the package comes with. He can take it or leave it. That simple.
Okay, let's close this puppy out. If you're really a chill girl, go ahead and chill out. But don't pretend to be something you're not. Don't fake the funk when he forgets your birthday or orders food and doesn't get you anything. Your feelings are allowed. Don't believe me? Read it again here. Again, men are simple creatures. How is he supposed to know what you want if you don't tell him, or even worse, if you pretend to be fine with whatever he does. Girl bye. At some point, when you're done playing around and sowing your wild oats, you're going to want to be in a relationship on your own terms. And you should have that right. Just make sure you're you, you don't play those childish games, you make it clear what you want as you go along, and you remain true to you. The only person that can truly keep you in the chill girl zone is you.
*Although you may not die, you may feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. You will feel like you did everything in the world for this man and he doesn't appreciate you. You will feel like you want to punch him in the chest. You will cry. You may eat excessive amount of chocolate. It's okay. Let it out. And then pick up the pieces and move on. His loss.
0 comments