Dear November. I can see you from where I am. Young. Eager. Ready to challenge a system designed to make you work your ass off for an unachievable dream. Like pedaling a bike as hard and as fast as you can and realizing that you’re turning the wheels that will make someone else move forward. But still work hard November. But there is no need to be the best. Greatness has no place in this society. For the greatest achieve nothing but recognition and praises. Two things that do not quell a starving belly or provide warmth when the cold threatens to take you out. Be smart. Know how to play the game. For the greats have to carry the things that the mediocre leave behind. And trust me November, it is too great a burden to bear.

November, do not rush and aspire toward Love. For what you are looking for is companionship to ease the loneliness. You are looking for a feel good to negate the feel bads that you are afflicted with every day. You are not looking for the commitment from each and every man or woman you encounter. You are looking to feel wanted. Desirable. Sexy. Coveted. You want someone to crave you as much as you do them. You want to know that the most unattainable person in The Universe can show some interest in you. And trust me. They will. But don’t you dare let them drag you down to hell with them.

Dear November. You do not need a degree from a place that seeks to chain you with debt and restrictions to validate you. You are good enough already. You came perfectly out of the womb. You were already valuable. Everything to make you great already lives in you. It is up to you to sow the seeds and reap the harvest. You are Greatness Personified.

Dear November. You do not need that man. You never did. Any man that does not make you feel higher than your best self is not for you. You are not his Savior. He is not your Saint. It is okay to leave people broken. We cannot mend every fragmented piece. For we cannot break ourselves in our selfless attempt to fix others. It is okay to take back your sanity. You owe that man nothing but a kiss on his forehead and genuine well wishes. Baby or not.

Dear November. It is okay to chase Love. He is waiting for you to claim him. You will spend your entire life not knowing it in its purest, kindest form. Running from it. Proudly proclaiming that you don’t need it. But it will come for you. And when it does, innocent and trusting, you will distort it beyond recognition. You will beat it and punish it until it becomes ugly and undesirable. And you will realize that it was you that made it this way.

Dear November. It is okay to be you. The real you. The untouchable, unreachable you. Discriminate on who you let in. Not everyone’s intentions are good. They are not all worthy of your time.

November, you are not uppity for wanting something more for yourself. You are not anal because you plan for a future as if it will come in the morning with the rising sun. Because guess what? It will.

Dig deeper. Save money to leave those who will need to survive after you have gone. Forgive easily. Forget nothing. Live every day as if tomorrow will never come. Because you know what November? One day tomorrow will be an entire lifetime away. My dear November.

I know that I've already done a post about baby mama and baby daddy situations. It was a few years back and you can find it here. It is one of my most popular posts, generating a little less than 1,000 views from people all over the world. In this post I talk about men who abandon their children and their responsibilities. Partly talking to the general public, partly dealing with my own situation I had going on at the time. But a recent post that I saw on Facebook made me look at the flip side of the coin. Check out this video below that was posted by a friend of mine.

Post by Oprah Winfrey.

Now check out the comments that this particular friend received on the post:

"Whatever we believe about ourselves and our ability comes true for us." - Susan L. Taylor, journalist

We, as females, constantly ridicule the loose woman. We judge the street walker. We look down on the exotic dancers and escorts. The shameless women of the night. But we are the foolish ones. Doing for free what they get paid for. We take pride in our expensive vehicles and flashy diamond rings on fingers that continue to plump with age. She enjoys freedom, liberty, and the high of life flowing through her veins. The addiction to fast money, fast cars, handsome men, and jealous stares.

We hate her for sleeping with our men. But yet it is her that we emulate when we want to bring our man’s attention back home. It is her we think about when we envision our partner’s escape from us. We fault her for wearing heels that are too high and tops that are too low. But we seek to be like her when we want to be sexy. We wear her uniform of stilettos, tight dresses, and teased hair. We look for her independence. We look for her carelessness. We envy her candor.

We whisper to our friends that she squanders her money while we work hard every day for our 401K. We mumble that she’s had too many pleasures with too many men. So many ships have sailed through her wetness. Her ocean must surely be polluted. But we want to be like her. We dance naked in front of the mirror, sucking in our stomachs to be perfect. Just like her. All the time.

But the truth is, we are her. The woman who wears the heels and disappears with strange men into the darkness of the night. Why are we so different from her? Because our privates are not public fodder? Because less hands have rubbed against our bare skin? No. You hold the same power as her. It is infinite. You burn with the same fury. You feel the same passions. Do not fault her for doing what you are simply too conservative, too ashamed, or too afraid to do. How we use the roar within us is what eventually separates the lioness from the house cat. Which one are you?

So, in case you haven't heard, some compromising celebrity photos have been leaked to the general public. Some people somewhere hacked into the Apple iCloud system, targeted celebrity accounts, and leaked pictures of people like Jennifer Lawrence, Kirsten Dunst, and other celebrities who have no immediate bearing on my life. Of course, I read about it on Forbes and on Facebook, didn't care, and commenced to scroll through cute baby pictures and family photos. I was done with that mess.
What made me stop and really pay attention was when Jill Scott's name got mentioned in this whole fiasco. One of my friends posted this article to their Facebook page and I almost fell out my seat and died! I mean, I love Jilly from Philly. I was introduced to her spoken word by a friend and immediately fell in love with her music afterward. Very rarely do we hear bad press about her. She's graceful, classy, sweet, and sassy. I just love her to pieces. And she was on of the celebrities who's privacy was compromised during this whole picture leak situation. 
Now notice how Jill Scott's name is not mentioned in the Forbes article that I linked above. Now of course, putting that nudies of Jill Scott got spread like wild fire is not going to sell papers or get more readers on a website like Forbes. Maybe in the Black neighborhoods, but certainly not on Wall Street or corporate America. At the very least, it will create some type of diversity in the article. And we all know how everyone is trying to be politically correct and culturally diverse these days. If you don't know, you better ask somebody! 
But anyway, let me get to the point. Why am I talking about this in relation to Black Female Sexuality? Because my dear people, the reaction to Jennifer Lawrence's photos and the reaction to Jill's photos were EXTREMELY DIFFERENT!! The undertone of most articles relating to Jennifer Lawrence and the photo leaking scandal has made J. Law seem like a victim. The big bad wolf blew her house down, leaked her naked photos, and exposed her beautiful body to the entire world. It was an outrage. It was despicable. It was just sad.
But Jilly? There was a bunch of fat shaming. Some of the "that's what you get" kind of talk. I mean, the insults started pouring in. And the thing is, one photo that was leaked was of Jill in a robe recording her weight loss journey. And she has really slimmed down a lot. The other, which is a topless photo, Jill claims is not even her! Now in fairness, the other celebrities have experienced the same back lash. But most of the articles about Jill and this situation have to deal with how harsh the comments and the feedback about her photos have been. I mean, people are MEAN! But these comments are evidence to something much deeper. They are evidence that Black Female Bodies are not viewed in the same way as their white counterparts. And that's where I have the issue.
Of course, we all know that women of all races are objectified and in most cases, still viewed as commodities. But think about this. How would you feel about Jennifer Lawrence or Katy Perry on a Times Square billboard modeling Hanes underwear. Now how would you feel about someone like one of the female cast members from Think Like A Man 2 modeling those same underwear? I'm talking about Meagan Good, Regina Hall, Taraji P. Henson, or Gabrielle Union. Hell, let's not even talk about if you saw Nicki Minaj on that billboard modeling some Hanes underwear. Girl, there would be a first class riot up in that peace! So you get my point. Totally different reactions to the same billboard trying to sell the same product. Only difference is race and body construct. But this makes all the difference in the world.
What I think needs to happen is we as Black Women start to take ownership of our sexuality. For real. Let us take back our bodies and not be ashamed of them but refuse to let them be over sexualized and degraded. Period. There will be no apologies for our hips, our curves, or our round behinds. I cannot help that I fill out a pencil skirt to perfection. I cannot stop my booty from jiggling in a sun dress. I have no apologies that skater skirts and dresses are not as innocent on me as they are with those who have less behind. It's my body. I love it. And I will not let anyone make me feel ashamed of it. Or let anyone tell me that things that are deemed appropriate for one person in the workplace or not appropriate for me. If we are ashamed, we give them power. And quite frankly, we've given men and society the power long enough. Time to take it back now.
On another note, I do not judge anyone tho decides to participate in sexting or sending nudies. Again, that is your choice, I really hate that everything that is private and sexual is made to seem dirty or shameful. Yet, if a woman is pretending to have an orgasm in the shower in a shampoo commercial, than that's just advertisement. What I do have to say is this. Practice this behavior wisely. Make sure that you share photos with someone that you trust and have known for a long period of time. And have an understanding that once you hit sent on that picture or video, anything can happen to it. Literally. There are plenty of websites that expose exes or put people on blast based on their sexual activities and preferences. Beware. And trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. No matter what kind of pressure you're under.
Okay beauties, let's wrap this up. Jill Scott. I love you to pieces!! I also love the way that you handled this entire situation. If you are not aware how Jilly from Philly dealt with her haters, you can see her actual response here. It was classy, it was graceful, it was empowering while others were trying to tear her down. I wanted to raise a fist after reading it! She owned her body, made it clear that she was not ashamed of who she was or how she looked and shut everything down. Well done! But think about this. In his article about Jill and the photos, Jerry Barrow made the statement that Jill's privacy is our privacy. I would go even further to say that Jill's pride is our pride. No shame here. No hiding here. And no acceptance of hate, belittling, fat shaming, or degradation here. And once we make this the standard everywhere, the way Black Women, Black Bodies, and Black Sexuality is viewed will begin to change. You just watch. 

Okay, here we go with the societal rules and expectations again. Why is this even still a topic of discussion? Why in a generation where Rihanna can bare it all, literally, are we still judging people for having sex on the first date? Sex on the first date is just that: sex. If you decide that you want to sleep with someone on the first date, third date, seventh date, a year later, who really cares?

I only had one request for this particular post, and it just came in a few nights ago. But it's something I struggle with a lot. Like every single day. As most of you know if you've been following along, I have a bunch of experience with break-ups and separations. But truth be told, I have very little experience with letting go. I still talk to almost all of the guys I've dealt with in the past. Not on some "I love you"/"I miss you" type of deal. We've moved on. I have my boys to take care of. But when you share so much of your life, such a big part of yourself with someone, you just can't cut them off.

I just wished one of my exes a happy birthday. He's a Cancer. I can never forget his birthday. Another came to my dad's funeral last November, paid his respects to my family, met my fiance and my son, and carried himself out of there. It wasn't weird. It wasn't disrespectful. It just was. I go to another one of my exes for advice, and to save me from myself sometimes. I'm known to get into many sticky situations. One of my old boyfriends even sent my son gifts when he found out that I was pregnant.

But one is like fire. A no go. Do not touch. And when you have a family and a comfortable life, and especially a little person that you have to shape and mold and prepare for the world, you cannot play with fire. You just cannot afford to get burned anymore. He's caused issues in our relationship in the past, almost ending it a couple of times. This is where I'm drawing my tips from. This situation has taught me how to let go, for the good of everybody. And truth be told: it's freaking hard!! It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life.

So here are the tips and tools that I use to get myself through the letting go process every day.

• Practice self control.
• You're going to want to call them. Your gut is going to want to text them. You're going to want to hear their voice or even check if they still give a damn about you. Don't do it. Put the phone down. Walk away from the Facebook page. Leave their Instagram alone. Be in control of your own actions. And if they text you? Delete. That simple. Don't fall back in and allow that person to get back into your head. Just like most things, getting started is always the hardest part. But you can do it. Just stop. Think. Breath. Be rational. Because if you continue to entertain the nonsense, they will continue to bring it to you. Be strong.
• If You're Done, Be Done. Don't Play Games!
• I'm sooooooo guilty of this. The revolving door. I'm done. Then I'm not. Then I'm done. Then I want you to come have cookies and ice cream with me. Don't do this. If you cut someone off, leave them cut off. It's confusing to you and it's unfair to them to keep going back and forth. if you're not sure what you want to do, just take some time and BE HONEST!! Let the person know where your head is at, your reasoning, and let them know that you're in the process of making a decision. Give yourself a seven day timeline to sort our your feelings and really sort them out. Within those seven says has this person made you more happy or sad? What do they bring to your life? What would life be like without them? Better? Worse? Then make the decision and stick with it!
• Don't reminisce. 
• You guys were together. You had great times. There were great memories shared. But there is also a reason why you guys separated and you are not together. Remember that. If something happened that forced you to leave this person, it must have been pretty messed up. Or you just reached the point where you couldn't handle the crap anymore. Do not sit and beat yourself up for letting go of a person that didn't meet your standards. The few good times you shared do not make up for all the other mess and/or drama that you guys went through. Stop taking strolls down memory lane. It's not conducive to anything at all.
• Find a hobby.
• Get your mind off of it. Read. Write. Knit. Pick up running. Reconnect with friends. Get a second job. Something! You're going to need something to distract your mind and stop you from thinking about the person. Plus, you're doing something that you enjoy. Getting back to being you. What did you do before you met the person? Figure that out and go for it. You'll feel a lot better about yourself too. It's science. Look it up.
• Realize there are going to be things unsaid.
• I think this is the hardest part of letting go. Waking up a few days after you've cut someone off and having something else to say. You just want to grab your phone and text them everything you just thought about and see their response. For these times, you're going to need a journal. Friends are good too. Or you can write a letter, read it aloud, and throw it out. Or file it away (I have an entire notebook of notes to exes). There are going to be things that you forget to say to that person or unreconciled feelings that you are going to have. This is the moment when you're going to need to pull out that self control and accept that fact that it's done and move on. Take a second, deal with the emotions, and keep on going. You got another day to live, do something great with it. 

To all of you that have requested this post, and there were A LOT, here it is. These are my tips to help you find your match. Feel free to comment below if you have any more tips or suggestions that you would like to add.

Now let's also keep in mind that everyone's perfect match is not the same. Therefore, we are not all looking for the same thing. And these tips are not for those who are looking to find a man to, shall we say, keep her company at night (that can be another post). These are for those who are legitimately ready to settle down and  find someone that they can share memorable experiences with.

1. Be Who You Want To Attract

• I never understand this. A lot of us want a faithful guy who can take care of the house, bring in the money, he's great with kids, and he loves puppies. But what do we have to offer? You cannot expect to find a man, let alone one that will take you seriously enough to settle down with you, if you have nothing going for yourself. Do you have a job? How about a savings? If you can't cook, will you at least be able to wash the dishes after he makes a meal? Are you honest with him? Think about all of these things. You really cannot expect to find Mr. Right if your Ms. Wrong. And be HONEST with yourself. Don't evaluate yourself on what you plan on doing. Evaluate yourself on what you're actually doing now. And think about it this way: if your child or your best friend brought someone just like you home, would you think they are acceptable? 

2. Figure Out What You're Looking For

• This is the biggest problem I see when it comes to dating. We get filled up with what we SHOULD be looking for and not what we ACTUALLY want. If you were to describe your ideal mate, what would they be like? And please do not say tall, dark, and handsome. That's some crap and you know it. Most African American women want those yellow dudes that look like they haven't seen the sun in about twenty years. Ya'll can keep that mess. But anyway, let's get back to business. Think about what you want in life, especially further down the line. Do you want a family? Do you want to travel? Are you going to eventually be looking to bring other people into the relationship in the form of swinging or something like that? Really think about it. Because it makes no sense wasting time looking for a man that really isn't genuinely going to make you happy. You'll be looking for someone elses Mr. Right and not your own. Once you figure out what you want out of a guy, you're already halfway there.

3. Listen To The Signs

• We've all been there. We're dating someone and our gut is telling us to get away! Run!! No good!! Red flag!! But we stay and we deal with the mess hoping that eventually he'll come around. But you know what, most of the time he doesn't. On the final episode of Catfish Season 3, Selita Ebanks said that for the first three months of a relationship, we get the representative of the actual person that we think we are dating. That is so true!! In the beginning of a courtship, we get the best the person has to offer, or what is supposed to be. So if they start out lying, cheating, manipulating, forgetting to mention they have a significant other/baby at home etc., what in the holy hell do you expect to happen in the future?? They started out with the bullshit. How do you think it's going to end up? Listen to the signs. Cut your loses and move the hell on. The end.

Being that I attend a mixed race school, I encounter all types of social norms practiced by all kinds of people. One thing that has really been standing out to me is the idea of femininity and what is means to be feminine and ladylike. I see girls on campus that wear skirts and heels all the time, seeking to overtly express the fact that they are females and use these "feminine" qualities to attract the opposite sex. Most of these girls are soft-spoken, sweet, kind, and innocently flirty. Simply put, they're sugary sweet. They're the exact image that comes to mind when you think about the kind of girl that most guys want to settle down with or marry. Let's call this girl "Leidi."

However, on this same campus, I see the aggressive girls. They're loud! They're not any less "feminine" than Leidi when it comes to their appearance, but their attitude is just way different. There's an air of authority about this girl. She commands your attention, almost to the point if being intimidating or threatening. She likes to look pretty, but she takes on her own style, whether it be "urban", bohemian, high fashion, or a combination of all of these things (eclectic). She's a Lady, without conforming to the traditional definition of the word. Let's call this lady "Love."

For those who may not know me personally, welcome my world of Womanism.

I was surprised to find that there were not many blogs about Black Feminism online, especially African-American women usually have something to say about everything. We should definitely have something to say about the various events going on in the world of women and in the African-American community. Just to make it clear, I'm going with the notion that sexism still exists and racism still exists. The sexism just has a bit more charm associated with it today. Women of the 21st century are encouraged to believe that they are equal and everything that men do also includes the viewpoints of women. And the racism? The white sheets have been traded in for Barneys business suits and Armani ties. As Green Day said, Know Your Enemy.

So, I'll keep this short and sweet. For those who believe racism is dead, look around, you'll find it hiding in the most random places. And all the beautiful women of the world should start taking the limits off of themselves and reclaim their sexuality, political voices, and their God-given rights to do as they please.