So, we all knew this post was coming. I've had a couple of e-mails for this and a few verbal requests too, so I thought it was time to talk about this. Before we get started though, I need you to clear your mind. Don't read this post with any biases, any past hurts, or any preconceived notions. Hard right? I know. But just try. We all go in looking to bash or demonize the side chick when the truth is, most of us have been one. Knowingly or not. So none of us are in any position to judge anybody. So don't do it.

Let's get started by defining what a side chick is. My definition of the side chick is as follows:

Side Piece: A person (male or female) who is actively participating in a romantic relationship with someone who has a steady or "main" partner already i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, boo, or bae. 

I know, the definition is as basic as they come, but I just want to be clear.

Now, I'm not a big fan of monogamy. I do it because it's the best way to provide stability and raise my son. Plus I have such an amazing partner. So that makes it bundles easier! With this being said, I don't really feel any type of way about the side piece. Truthfully, I know many women and men who would rather be the piece on the side than the main thing any day. Less headache. Less expectation. More time for yourself. You have no one to answer to. Plus, it's more fun. I read an article online that details relationship advice from a 98 year old woman. You know this lady has some gems! But out of her three marriages, she states that her lover was who she was the "most mad" about. Flings are exciting. There are no expectations.  For some people, it just works. And what do we hear every day of our lives? Do what makes you happy. So what if being the thing on the side makes you happy? Should you not do it?

The issue comes in when we start dealing with relationships and ethics. Most people don't want the person they are in a relationship with to be romantically involved with anyone else. Period. No late night texts. No going out to dinner. You just don't do it. I hate to say this, but in most relationships, it's like you own the person. This person is MINE MINE MINE!!!!!! And nobody else can have what we have. And my partner cannot give to anyone what they give to me. This what I hate about monogamy. I belong to me. You belong to you. And if we decide to share ourselves with each other so be it. But if I share myself with you, it doesn't mean you OWN me. It means I let you into my personal self, we are going on this relationship journey together, but we are still two separate people. No ownership involved.

But I digress. Let's get back on track. The side piece poses a problem because they throw a money wrench in our traditional view of monogamy. There is no room for a third person in a relationship. They steal attention. They make us insecure. They ruin marriages and break up families. They dissolve the trust between two people (if they are kept a secret). They secretly worship the devil. They make your hair fall out. And they're trying to take what's yours. Oh hell no!! Somebody has to stop these Godforsaken people!

Let's look at it another way. Some side pieces are not out to steal your partner. They just want to have a little fun. They're not looking to settle down and inherit this person they're messing with. After all, they already know that this person is a dishonest, cheating, sack of (insert your own word here). Why the hell would anybody want that? Especially if they are looking to settle down and be with one person forever. They just want the affection. The free stuff. The late night booty calls. You can keep everything else. These side pieces are looking for a good time. The end.

But there are some people out there on the side who are looking to be the main. And I have to say to you, you are STUPID. No. No. No. No. No. If this person is sneaking around with you, chances are they will sneak around ON YOU. And if this person you want to make your main thing doesn't even respect your feelings enough to dead it with their current partner, why the hell would they respect your feelings on anything else in the future? As the side piece, it is their job to make you feel good. It is their job to keep the peace with you. After all, if your side piece is miserable and unhappy then it would be like a regular relationship. Who the hell wants two stressful ass unions? Not me!! If you find yourself catching feelings for your partner, and you know you're the side chick, leave that mess alone. Now. It starts getting too messy after that.

Speaking of messy. You side pieces have to know your freaking place. Sheesh. Need help knowing the boundaries? Watch this video. Let me tell you something. If you messy females call me on some crazy mess, I'm going to give you my man's number (which you probably already have) and tell you to take it up with him. I don't have nothing to do with what goes on between ya'll. I only deal with him and me. You have to take your beef to someone that can actually do something about it. And that surely ain't me! So stop with the messiness. Don't go calling their partner or spouse looking for revenge. You just look foolish. Don't key their car because you will go to jail. I promise you. Don't leave ear rings or panties behind on purpose. You're going to need those further on down the line. And do you really think somebody that's cheating isn't going to check behind you after you go? If they don't, they want to get caught! Stop with the messiness. You have got
to do better.

So I don't have any other "tips" or "advice" for the side pieces out there. Each situation is different. Do you. I don't care. I'm not even going to lie. If I found out that my partner cheated on me, I would ask why he felt like he couldn't be honest with me. Then I'd ask if he was leaving me so I know if I have to get another job to take care of me and my son. I mean, I just want to be clear. And if we work it all out? I don't give two craps about the other girl. I don't know her. And she don't know me. I'm not going to look for her or cyber stalk her or anything like that. I have things to do. I do know this though. If she's going to continue to be in my relationship, she better start dropping some money on these bills up in here. If me and my partner are both working and trying to make this family work, if you're going to mess around with my man, heffa you better contribute too. Pay up. And that's that.

Oh yeah! I do want to say this though. When you find out your partner is messing around with someone else, I do think it's foolish to go after the side piece. After all, they didn't make a commitment to you, your partner did. Your partner lied. They didn't. Your partner led you on and fed you false promises. Not them. So why, in most cases, do most people go after the side piece as if they are the problem? No. Sit down and stop being stupid. Deal with your dishonest partner and figure out why they're stepping outside of what you guys created for fulfillment. Because you know what? If you don't address those issues, you may be able to get rid of one side piece, but trust and believe, there will be someone else to take their place very soon. Again, stop being stupid.

Okay, that's it. Summary please. Side pieces exist. I don't care either way. Every relationship is so different, every side relationship is so different, you can't really have an opinion either way. To all you side pieces out there, be careful. Some people will kill over their partner. No person is worth dying for. And to all you people who have been cheated on or find out about their partner's side piece, do what's best for you and your relationship. If you love them and think you can work it out. Stay. It's on you. Again, I couldn't care less. I'm over here writing blogs and raising my son. I got things to do. And that's all I have to say about that.

So let me just start by saying that this topic was a special request from my significant other because he thinks I'm horrible at communicating (ironic right?). It's not that I'm bad at it. I am really good with words. Honest. It's just that I'm all about efficiency and purpose. In an argument, I believe you say what you have to say, I say what I have to say, and then we're done. Let's agree to disagree and move on to something else. Not him. He wants to talk and find solutions to every single issue that we have. The problem with that is, some problems don't have solutions. You just have to respect each other's feelings and let it be. I have things to do. I don't want to sit and keep having the same discussion forty five times. So he wanted me to do this post on communication because he thinks it's an opportunity area for us (I do not). This one is for you James.

• Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're communicating.
• Just because words are coming out of your mouth and your partner is supposed to be listening doesn't mean you're communicating. You have to be saying something of value, and something that pertains to the issue at hand. Aimless talking gets you nowhere and it gets frustrating for the person who genuinely wants to get the problem solved. And your listener has to be open to listening. I mean, what's the point of talking to someone who isn't taking in what you're saying? Communicating has to be a two way street. Speak how you feel on the matter at hand and make sure your partner is really ingesting your concerns. It shows they care and it'll likely prevent the same issues from happening again in the future.
• You have to be honest or else the entire conversation is pointless.
• I hate when you're trying to talk to your partner and you know everything coming out of their mouth is a damn lie (luckily I've never had that problem with Dean). Like, do you think I'm a freaking idiot? I refuse to sit down and talk to someone and they can't even respect me enough to tell me the truth. So don't do that. That's a no no. Be honest and keep it real. And if you feel like your partner is being dishonest, DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY. Lay your evidence on the table and ask for an explanation. And don't be loud and ghetto with it. This is not reality TV. And if your partner still doesn't come clean? Get the hell out of there. They're a liar, in which case you don't want anything to do with them anyway.
• Treat arguments like a debate.
• This is something that I read somewhere online and I think is a great idea. Just like a debate, one person talks for one minute then gives their partner a minute to express their thoughts and offer rebuttal. You can keep this going until both of you feel like you've gotten everything off of your chest, or you can just set a time limit. Set aside ten minutes, each of you gets five chances to talk. Once the time is up, try to think of a solution. If you both are just over it and feel like no solution is available that will appease both sides, please see the next tip.
• Know when to say when.
• We all know that couple that fights from the house, to the car, to their destination, back home, and into the next day. That is exhausting and just plain annoying. To me, arguments are over when you start repeating the same things that you've said before. I heard you the first time you said it, please don't keep repeating it over and over again. It's also time to call it quits when someone loses their cool. If at any point either of you starts getting loud and irrational, take a breather and read the next tip. Once the cool off period is done, try again. If it still doesn't get anywhere, just be done with it. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, even those in a relationship and this something we just have to accept.
• Have a cool off period.
• This is the most important part, and the part that keeps you from killing each other or breaking up every time you have a little spat. Pick a corner and cool off. I'm terrible at letting things bother me for days and days. I'll just not say anything to anyone. Don't do that. It's childish and makes your partner annoy the hell out of you until you talk to them (that gets on my LAST NERVE!!!). Take an hour or two, take a deep breath, and re-open the door to let your partner in, literally or figuratively. Even if they choose to remain upset, at least you've extended the invitation. They'll come around eventually. 
• Find what works best for you.
• Some people like to write it out. Some people like to sit across from each other and just talk. Some people like to be in public places to express themselves. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting your thoughts our of your head and go with it. Not everyone is the same. And if you and your partner have different ways of communicating, try to merge them and make them work. After all, the point is really to just get things off your chest and try to find a fix that will make everyone happy. It'll take time, but once you both master what method of expression works for you both, you'll see things drastically change.

To all of you that have requested this post, and there were A LOT, here it is. These are my tips to help you find your match. Feel free to comment below if you have any more tips or suggestions that you would like to add.

Now let's also keep in mind that everyone's perfect match is not the same. Therefore, we are not all looking for the same thing. And these tips are not for those who are looking to find a man to, shall we say, keep her company at night (that can be another post). These are for those who are legitimately ready to settle down and  find someone that they can share memorable experiences with.

1. Be Who You Want To Attract

• I never understand this. A lot of us want a faithful guy who can take care of the house, bring in the money, he's great with kids, and he loves puppies. But what do we have to offer? You cannot expect to find a man, let alone one that will take you seriously enough to settle down with you, if you have nothing going for yourself. Do you have a job? How about a savings? If you can't cook, will you at least be able to wash the dishes after he makes a meal? Are you honest with him? Think about all of these things. You really cannot expect to find Mr. Right if your Ms. Wrong. And be HONEST with yourself. Don't evaluate yourself on what you plan on doing. Evaluate yourself on what you're actually doing now. And think about it this way: if your child or your best friend brought someone just like you home, would you think they are acceptable? 

2. Figure Out What You're Looking For

• This is the biggest problem I see when it comes to dating. We get filled up with what we SHOULD be looking for and not what we ACTUALLY want. If you were to describe your ideal mate, what would they be like? And please do not say tall, dark, and handsome. That's some crap and you know it. Most African American women want those yellow dudes that look like they haven't seen the sun in about twenty years. Ya'll can keep that mess. But anyway, let's get back to business. Think about what you want in life, especially further down the line. Do you want a family? Do you want to travel? Are you going to eventually be looking to bring other people into the relationship in the form of swinging or something like that? Really think about it. Because it makes no sense wasting time looking for a man that really isn't genuinely going to make you happy. You'll be looking for someone elses Mr. Right and not your own. Once you figure out what you want out of a guy, you're already halfway there.

3. Listen To The Signs

• We've all been there. We're dating someone and our gut is telling us to get away! Run!! No good!! Red flag!! But we stay and we deal with the mess hoping that eventually he'll come around. But you know what, most of the time he doesn't. On the final episode of Catfish Season 3, Selita Ebanks said that for the first three months of a relationship, we get the representative of the actual person that we think we are dating. That is so true!! In the beginning of a courtship, we get the best the person has to offer, or what is supposed to be. So if they start out lying, cheating, manipulating, forgetting to mention they have a significant other/baby at home etc., what in the holy hell do you expect to happen in the future?? They started out with the bullshit. How do you think it's going to end up? Listen to the signs. Cut your loses and move the hell on. The end.

I will never understand it. We, as women, always complain that we date assholes. They're not worth anything. He cheats. He lies. He has too many kids. He never calls me back. He doesn't spend enough time with me. Yet, when we meet a guy that is genuinely a NICE GUY we find EVERYTHING in the world wrong with him. Huh?

This video hit it right on the head. "I was really into him, but he was just too nice." Say what?? We just love the bad guys. Most of the time we are attracted to the guys that treat us the worst and wonder why we can't find someone that can truly make us happy. Your prince charming may be staring you right in the face. But you're too busy looking past him at the douche bag to really notice. Stop. Now.

First, as always, let me define what I mean by a nice guy. He's sweet. He genuinely cares about you and your feelings, even if he doesn't understand them. He goes out of his way to make sure that you are happy and your needs are met. He's considerate. None of that not hearing from him for three or four days at a time. He doesn't have another girlfriend or special "friends" on the side besides you. He's interested in you. He likes you. He wants to pursue something serious with you on the same terms and conditions that you do. This is the nice guy.

Most times, this guy gets banished to the friend zone. He's the one that we call when the asshole messes up and we need a shoulder to cry on. But really, in his head, he's like, "I would never do that to you." He's patient and listens to all of the messed up BS that Mr. Asshole has put you through. And he knows that you're going to go right back. But you don't have to worry. He won't let you know that he's judging you, unless you ask of course. Then he'll let you have it all. Honestly. He'll tell you about yourself.

Now, for those of us that do not banish him to the friend zone and actually see the dating potential in this guy, we often are the mean ones in the relationship. We push his buttons, secretly trying to pull the bad guy out of him. I mean, he can't REALLY be this nice. We think he's just putting on a front to get in your pants. He doesn't care about my interests. It's just a matter of time before he does the same things that all the other guys do.

But really, we're setting ourselves up for failure. When you go looking for something, you usually find it. The one time he doesn't answer his phone because he's at work or at brunch with his grandmother, we think he's cheating or not interested anymore. Those are our own insecurities that need to be addressed and removed from the relationship in order for it to be successful. But that is for another post. What we need to do is recognize that we have a nice guy, he's amazing, he's wonderful, he's ours and LEAVE ROOM FOR ERROR!!!

Now this is something that I struggled with in my relationship for a long time. I assumed that my nice guy had to be a PERFECT guy. But no one is perfect. He's going to mess up. He's going to forget to grab you a straw for your drink when he surprises you with lunch sometimes. He's going to fall asleep on you while watching a movie because he's tired sometimes. He's going to snore while you're trying to sleep (OMG!! This was a serious issue for us). But you know what. If you wake up in the morning and don't have to worry your head about him stepping out on you, if you know that he's going to be there whenever you need him, if you know he's always going to be on time to pick you up all the time, then all the other stuff can be overlooked. It's annoying. Yes. But it's not worth loosing this guy over.

So here are just a few tips I have for those of us who have been fortunate enough to date the nice guy or have someone in our lives that genuinely fits the description:

1. Don't mess it up by looking for his flaws. His imperfections will reveal themselves over time. If they are something you can't deal with, leave. If they are minor, learn to love them.

2. Never compare him to your exes. He's his own man. He will not treat you like them. And if you start seeing the signs that he's just pretending to be a nice guy (you'll know when his actions stop matching his words), get the hell out of there.

3. Learn to accept that fact that you deserve him. You've dated enough assholes. They've put you through enough. Now enjoy that fact that you have man that will make your heart skip a beat.

4. Love him back. Don't be the girl that gets the nice guy and she's a total bitch. Don't drive him away by doing the exact same things that the crappy guys did to you. He deserves to be with someone that will treat him just as well as he treats them.

5. Make sure he's really a nice guys and doesn't just have nice qualities. He can be a really nice guy without a job, he never finishes what he starts, he's attached to mommy at the hip, etc. Make sure your nice guy is a nice guy that you really want to be with before you waste his and your time.

And that's it. We, as women, have to start lifting our standards and holding our men accountable. We need to stop chasing the bad boys and the rebels and start seriously considering dating the sweet guys that we would never give chance. I swear to you, it will change your entire outlook on relationships.

I've never dated an asshole. I've dated guys that were vain, a little selfish, inexperienced, and just plain weird. But you know what, they've all been so good to me. I can say nothing bad about relationships. I was the one that ended up messing up and ending the relationship. I had my own issues that needed to be resolved. The nice guys are out there. They're ready, and they're looking for you. Be ready. Be open. And give them a chance. You'll never be able to date an asshole again.Your expectations will be drastically different. I promise.