I don’t know why I agreed to meet her in this place. The uneasy corner of Getting Over Her For Good and Trying To Make This Shit Work Again. She conned me into coming when she told me she needed to talk. Just as friends. She needed to vent. And I was the first person to come to her mind. Not her girlfriends. Not that dude she had just broken up with because they couldn’t iron out their kinks. But me. I pretended she was telling the truth about this being a friendly reunion. The love for her that still lived behind my conscious thoughts hoped it would be something more.

I reached the coordinates in space and time that she had given me. Not a tangible place that you can feel and touch, just a point in the universe where both of our beings wanted what they wanted. And at that moment, it was critical that we be with each other. Her body was so far away, but I could still see her in my mind’s eye. She was smiling shyly at me in my imagination, hoping I would make the first move so that time would revert back to when we were together. Before she lost her damn mind. She wanted to take a trip back to our favorite place. Where it was quiet. Where we didn’t have to utter a single word to communicate. Where I gave her the truest, purest form of me.

But she hadn’t known what to do with my vulnerability. It had been fragile and needed to be handled with care. I had given it all to her, and ultimately, had to take it all back. Or at least what was left of it before she destroyed all of its magnificence. That’s the thing about beautiful emotions. They’re so precious, so incredible, you never want to let them go. You want to keep them pressed against the softest parts of you forever. But she didn’t deserve any of it. She wasn’t worthy of my sensitivity.

But I damn sure wanted to bestow the honor upon her once again. I wanted to start over. I wanted us to hit replay and rewrite the parts where she fucked it all up. Make her choose differently. Demand that she see that everything she was looking for in these shallow ass niggas she was using to fill that emptiness was already in me. I wanted to hear her voice again and be hypnotized by her Siren Song. Remind me of the times that she made me feel ecstasy despite the crumbling walls of hell all around us. Take me to before I knew that she was the devil I was running from.

I still wanted to save her from herself. I wanted to run behind her and tell her that she was flawless just as she was. She didn’t need to run away from her insecurities. Her fears no longer needed to cripple her. She was perfect. She still is already perfect. There was no need to destroy everything she touched just because she herself was broken. I wanted nothing more than to fix her. I wanted to take her bruised existence and nurse it back to health. She was worth more than the Rolex I displayed on my wrist. She was worth more than one hundred lifetimes. She was worth more than I could ever offer her. We just needed one eternity together.

I guess that’s why I agreed to meet her at the corner of I Shouldn’t Be Here and I’ll Never Fucking Leave Your Side. Because no matter what direction we take, we would always end up here. Staring at each despite the limitations of time and space. Aware of the fact that we should never try to awaken the sleeping dragon that was once us. But pathetically unable to fight the feeling that this is where we both belonged. There was no place I’d rather be than on the corner of I’m Leaving You Alone and You’ll Always Be My Baby with her.

I just had to sneak away. Parked across the street from your home, nothing but some leggings and a fitted white t-shirt on. Even forgot the shoes. Oh well.

I was waiting for you. Waiting for the silhouette of your car to come into view. Waiting for the fury of you to come into my eyesight. And finally you did.

I was happy to see you were alone. By yourself when you parked your own car. Solitary when walked the pathway to your steps. And I followed you the entire way. Bare feet and all. I pushed you in as you opened the door. You first reaction was to reach out and swing. I caught that arm and forced you against your bare wall. No need for talking. I fiddled with your silver belt buckle. Not caring that there were no greetings shared. Not concerned that my husband was at home asleep. Not giving two damns that your wife was on her way home.

I was nearly set ablaze when your lips covered mine. I couldn’t stop the waterfall from flowing when you pulled my hair and nibbled at my neck. I couldn’t control myself when your hand found all that they were looking for inside those cheap, black leggings. My knees buckled when you gave me what I had come for from inside your overpriced jeans. I missed your passion. I missed the eruption that was set off in the deepest depth of my being when you lifted me up and wrapped my legs around your head. I’d gladly burn in hell forever for this little piece of heaven. For a little slice of you. For this small sample of Love. Of passion. Of this. And I know that despite your weak protests uttered between fiery kisses, you would have gladly gone through hell to be with me. Too bad hell had come in the form of wedding rings and empty promises.

But while we shared this hour of our nirvana, these moments of belonging totally and completely to each other, swimming deep in this ocean of sin, I knew that there must have been a God. Because he made you just for me. And as we dressed again, still not uttering a sound, I knew that The Universe was going to make a way to bring us together again.

Yet as I sat in my car and watched her walk up your stone steps, wedding ring gleaming even in the dark, I also knew that life was never that simple. That when you greeted her at the door, wrapped your arms around her waist, and kissed her like you should only kiss me, I accepted that Heaven was on fire and God was no more. I had to keep these fantasies in my head. Stop hoping for things that would never come.

So with my white tee and my black leggings, I tucked my imagination back into the box from which it came and vowed to leave you alone. No more late night visits. No more fictional adultery. No more butterflies and day dreams. It just had to accept what was there. It’s going to be a long lifetime without you.

I only had one request for this particular post, and it just came in a few nights ago. But it's something I struggle with a lot. Like every single day. As most of you know if you've been following along, I have a bunch of experience with break-ups and separations. But truth be told, I have very little experience with letting go. I still talk to almost all of the guys I've dealt with in the past. Not on some "I love you"/"I miss you" type of deal. We've moved on. I have my boys to take care of. But when you share so much of your life, such a big part of yourself with someone, you just can't cut them off.

I just wished one of my exes a happy birthday. He's a Cancer. I can never forget his birthday. Another came to my dad's funeral last November, paid his respects to my family, met my fiance and my son, and carried himself out of there. It wasn't weird. It wasn't disrespectful. It just was. I go to another one of my exes for advice, and to save me from myself sometimes. I'm known to get into many sticky situations. One of my old boyfriends even sent my son gifts when he found out that I was pregnant.

But one is like fire. A no go. Do not touch. And when you have a family and a comfortable life, and especially a little person that you have to shape and mold and prepare for the world, you cannot play with fire. You just cannot afford to get burned anymore. He's caused issues in our relationship in the past, almost ending it a couple of times. This is where I'm drawing my tips from. This situation has taught me how to let go, for the good of everybody. And truth be told: it's freaking hard!! It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life.

So here are the tips and tools that I use to get myself through the letting go process every day.

• Practice self control.
• You're going to want to call them. Your gut is going to want to text them. You're going to want to hear their voice or even check if they still give a damn about you. Don't do it. Put the phone down. Walk away from the Facebook page. Leave their Instagram alone. Be in control of your own actions. And if they text you? Delete. That simple. Don't fall back in and allow that person to get back into your head. Just like most things, getting started is always the hardest part. But you can do it. Just stop. Think. Breath. Be rational. Because if you continue to entertain the nonsense, they will continue to bring it to you. Be strong.
• If You're Done, Be Done. Don't Play Games!
• I'm sooooooo guilty of this. The revolving door. I'm done. Then I'm not. Then I'm done. Then I want you to come have cookies and ice cream with me. Don't do this. If you cut someone off, leave them cut off. It's confusing to you and it's unfair to them to keep going back and forth. if you're not sure what you want to do, just take some time and BE HONEST!! Let the person know where your head is at, your reasoning, and let them know that you're in the process of making a decision. Give yourself a seven day timeline to sort our your feelings and really sort them out. Within those seven says has this person made you more happy or sad? What do they bring to your life? What would life be like without them? Better? Worse? Then make the decision and stick with it!
• Don't reminisce. 
• You guys were together. You had great times. There were great memories shared. But there is also a reason why you guys separated and you are not together. Remember that. If something happened that forced you to leave this person, it must have been pretty messed up. Or you just reached the point where you couldn't handle the crap anymore. Do not sit and beat yourself up for letting go of a person that didn't meet your standards. The few good times you shared do not make up for all the other mess and/or drama that you guys went through. Stop taking strolls down memory lane. It's not conducive to anything at all.
• Find a hobby.
• Get your mind off of it. Read. Write. Knit. Pick up running. Reconnect with friends. Get a second job. Something! You're going to need something to distract your mind and stop you from thinking about the person. Plus, you're doing something that you enjoy. Getting back to being you. What did you do before you met the person? Figure that out and go for it. You'll feel a lot better about yourself too. It's science. Look it up.
• Realize there are going to be things unsaid.
• I think this is the hardest part of letting go. Waking up a few days after you've cut someone off and having something else to say. You just want to grab your phone and text them everything you just thought about and see their response. For these times, you're going to need a journal. Friends are good too. Or you can write a letter, read it aloud, and throw it out. Or file it away (I have an entire notebook of notes to exes). There are going to be things that you forget to say to that person or unreconciled feelings that you are going to have. This is the moment when you're going to need to pull out that self control and accept that fact that it's done and move on. Take a second, deal with the emotions, and keep on going. You got another day to live, do something great with it.