"We are the generation of / Not Being In Love /  And Not Being Together"

Umm....hello? Can anything truer every be spoken? Okay, I'm sure that it can, but this statement here is awesome. And let me be clear, 99.89% of the time, I cannot stand Drake and his whiney voice. But I felt him on this. It's like pulling teeth to get someone to claim you exclusively as their boyfriend or girlfriend. We use phrases like "oh we're just talking"  or "she's my friend" or that God awful phrase T-Pain popularized, the "shawty". It's clear that something is going on between you and whoever you are seeking to get romantically involved with, but the titles are absent, along with the expectation that the person remain faithful to you and practice all the behaviors someone courting you and seeking to enter an "adult" relationship with you should engage in. Let me simplify. They can get all the perks of you being their main squeeze without having to actually work for it.

All over Instagram and Facebook, we see people who practice these behaviors. But why? You know I have a theory. We imitate what we see and what we are surrounded by. Think about this. Aside from celebrities, how many Black people do you know that are married and are not separated or divorced? Now I challenge you to get to ten. One for each finger. Can you? If you can, awesome!! Leave a comment below and tell us about those marriages. If you cannot, you are not alone. I can count my dad's marriage, my mom's marriage (before her husband passed away), my fiancé's parents, two of his sisters, his brother, my old boss, and one other lady whom I adore. I got to eight. But half of my eight are people who are part of someone elses family. So you see my point? How are we supposed to get accurate examples of Black Love and marriage when so few real examples exist around us?

Another pit fall is the idea that Black women and men have unique issues standing in their way that inhibit them from practicing traditional marriage as we know it. This article on Centric raises the issue of whether Black marriages are destined for failure and also asks some great questions. One of them being: are Black women too picky? Now a while back, I did a blog post on Black women and their sometimes unrealistic expectations in regards to the Man List. You can check it out here. But I don't think Black women are too picky when it comes to things like wanting a man that can provide for and support her, wanting a man that is honest and doesn't play games, and wanting a man that is going to stick around. These are all things that go into a stable relationship. No one wants to be constantly guessing where they stand with someone they love and care about. And if you have these expectations, there is nothing wrong with you. Keep on pushing honey!

The Centric article also raised the question on whether or not Black men are able to be faithful. This is a can of worms that I will open in another blog post. But it all depends on what you mean by faithful. Do you want him to be with you and only you? And in what regards? Sexually? Mentally? Can a man still be completely faithful to you if he has kids outside of your relationship? Because he has to take into account your feelings, the children's feelings, and the feelings of the baby mother? These are all great questions. And honestly, before you can assess whether a man can be faithful to you, you have to first define what faithful is and what you're willing to accept. The short answer to this question is, yes. Black men can be faithful, no matter who they are. But they will only be faithful to a woman who they deem is worthy, and who makes it clear that this is her expectation. Period.

Let me say this. It is okay to fall in love. The world will not end. It's also okay to have your heart broken. And there's no shame in having your heart broken more than once. The purpose of dating is to see what's out there, find out who and what you like, and go from there. Every relationship is not going to work out. That's why there are so many songs about breaking up, moving on, and finding someone new. It's just the chance that we take when we put ourselves out there. Just like anything new, there's a chance you may fail. Your partner may cheat on you, they may lie to you, they may not live up to your expectations. And you know what you do? You move on and find someone else. There is absolutely no shame in that. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your price is an old cliché for a reason. There's some truth to it.

And in regards to marriage. It's not for everyone. But even if we don't elect to get married, we have to do a better job at showing our children loving, stable relationships. Why? Read this article on fatherless Black girls their difficulty learning how to love. If you decide that you want to just be physical with people, that's perfectly acceptable. But that doesn't mean that your children need to know every man that comes through your home. And that also doesn't mean that you have to air your dirty laundry for all to see. And if you're having some issues deciding whether the feelings toward your person of interest are Love or Lust, you can read this article to gain some clarity. We are surrounded by plenty of images of booty calls and one night stand. Once we reach that point in our lives where we are ready to settle down and make a home, we must make sure that we provide an alternative to the negative media images about Black families and Black homes so the next generation can see that falling in (Black) love is possible, and it most certainly can work.

Side Note 1: Slut shaming in the Black community is a major contributor to why so many Black women cannot find a man to settle down with. If you don't know what slut shaming is, Wikipedia offers a nice definition here. Slut shaming put in more popular terms is "you can't turn a ho into a housewife". Now I'm here to tell you that statement is so very false. And it's so very sexist. Everyone has a past. We all do wild and crazy things. The difference is that when a man does it and it is publicized, it doesn't hurt his chances of  going out and finding a wife. When a woman does it, no man wants to "wife the ho". To all you Ladies out there doing in like a brother, do you. You will find someone who doesn't care about your past. If you encounter a partner that isn't secure enough in himself to accept the fact that you had a life before him that you don't have to answer for, he's just not the guy for you, no matter how awesome he may be. You don't have to feel guilty about anything you've done. And that's a fact jack. Need some reassurance? Watch the Facebook video below.

 "We Black men have a hard enough time in our own struggle for justice, and already have enough enemies as it is, to make the drastic mistake of attacking each other and adding more weight to an already unbearable load." - Malcolm X

"Blacks ought to help themselves more and stop crying about what they don't get. It's true they don't get much, but stop crying about it and go on and get more." - John Hope Franklin 

Let me start this post by saying I am GUILTY ya'll. Everything that I am about to expose, I am guilty of. Don't judge me.

So the last week or the week before, I can't remember when, I was listening to Roland Martin on The Tom Joyner Morning Show. And Roland usually has some good stuff to say and he's very well spoken so I listened. Well, this particular morning, he was talking about Black people feeling as though anything Black is not as valuable or "less than" anything that is white. You can listen to the full segment here.  Now usually, I can say that when segments like this come on, I can get on my high horse and say that they're not talking to me. I'm so conscious. I'm so pro Black and Black Power and all this and that. But I felt like this morning he was talking directly to me. And I almost passed out and died.

So the gist of the segment was basically talking about how Black people don't feel like Black TV shows, Black awards, Black channels, or anything that is exclusively Black is as good as anything that is exclusively white. Now the history major in me thinks this is just one of the pit falls of desegregation. During Jim Crow, Black people had no choice but to have their own everything. Hospitals. Schools. Clubs. Bars. Housing communities. We were forced to be separate so we had to have our own way to survive. But once Jim Crow came crumbling down and everything had to be integrated, Blacks inherently thought White was better because they had been taught this for so long. So naturally, they would seek out white establishments and the like because they had been forbidden from them. Curiosity surely does kill the cat. But I digress.

Now like I said ya'll, I'm guilty of this. I do not like Black Clubs, apart from this cozy little lounge outside of Atlanta that I just fell in love with. And when I tell you this place is in the hood. it's in the HOOD!! I do not like patronizing stores in Black "urban" neighborhoods. The service is usually subpar and the products grossly overpriced. Not because they staff is not capable or the products they provide are somehow of better quality (it's actually the opposite). But because they were not trained correctly and the standard of service is not upheld. I don't shop in "Black Malls" because I would like to purchase something besides sneakers, tight jeans, weave, Shea Butter, and/or Victoria Secret Perfume. And living in Black neighborhoods? You can forget that. And now because of the crime. But because of the environment. It's so negative, dreary, and hopeless. Your mind just gets dragged down to the pits of a dark place. I've lived in a place like that before. And I certainly don't want to go back.

I had a particular Vendetta against BET. Boy, I used to skip over BET, TV One, and Centric like they didn't even exist. I wanted nothing to do with that. I used to say Black TV was ghetto TV and I didn't live in the ghetto anymore. Until I was forced to watch Being Mary Jane by one of my blog editors. I was hooked from the first episode. A successful Black woman with a tangled up love life (Gabby played the side piece as usual....come on now!), a messed up family, and work struggles? And then dealing with issues like obesity, motherhood, race relations, your own biological clock, homosexuality, and uplifting youth? You couldn't pull me away from that TV if you tried. Then I started seeing the commercials for the other shows on BET. The nightly news. The different mini serious and forums they had when they weren't playing the booty shaking videos I hated so much. I gave them another chance and I must say that I'm impressed. Most of the time.

Ironically, I didn't get what some people would call "bourgeois" until I went away to college and got out of Brooklyn. I never saw a problem with dirty subway trains. It gave the city character. I watched 106 & Park every day after school. I wore Jordans, Nikes, tight jeans, pulled my belt too tight around my waist, and tucked my too small shirt into my pants. I loved what is now characterized as "urban life." So who am I now to think that anyone living that life is less than or not as valuable? Hell, had I not been fortunate enough to have a mother who told me I can do something with myself, I would be there too. It makes no sense that I wear turbans 89% of the time, wear an ankh in my ears and nose, exude Black Power and Black Consciousness and then hate the very people I claim that I represent. Huh? Reality check.

In case you haven't realized, Black life has it's own grade of class and sophistication. Check out the new BET website. Listen to Tom Joyner one day out of the week during your morning commute. Check out my favorite Black news source, Black America Web. Of course they still have their ratchet moments. But nothing like World Star Hip Hop. And I am not linking that website here. You can look that up on your own. I love Unsung on TV One. The stories are pretty much the same. Someone gets famous. Someone rich rips them off. Drugs. Attempt at a come back. Death. But it's nice to see Black faces get recognition for things most of us didn't even know they accomplished. It gives us a platform to tell our stories outside of church and around the Sunday dinner table.

I'm all over the place. Let me get to the point at hand. Now Roland touched on a good point. Without Black support, most entertainers would not be where they are. Black or white. You have to have the support of the poor and working class Blacks in order to get somewhere. Think about Brother Malcolm and Dr. King. They would have gotten nowhere without the support of the masses. Strength is in numbers. And there are a lot of Black and Brown people in America and around the world. Imagine what all those people could do if we decided to join forces and start making some demands. Mother Mary help whoever we're standing against.

Okay, let's wrap this puppy up. I'm still guilty of not shopping in Black neighborhoods. The pickings are scarce and like I said, the service is usually mediocre at best. But I am way more open about Black TV, Black social clubs and especially Black award shows. I am way more open to supporting Black Businesses because if we don't support each other who will? I watch the NAACP awards and think about the heritage and history of the organization and cannot bring myself to think of those awards as less than an Oscar or a Grammy. It's a recognition. From your peers. And that's huge for Black entertainers. It may not flood your Facebook timeline or be trending on Twitter, but it's for us. It's our way of saying to our entertainers, our youth, and the entire world that Black people matter, we are important, and we can hold our own. Take that.

Hey Guys! So I know I usually stick with my opinions on various topics, but I recently posted a DIY Photo Session that I did for my son on Facebook. So many mom's loved it and I received a few questions on what I used and how I set everything up. So I decided to do a blog post for anyone else that might be interested in having their own photo shoot at home.
Everything was super simple and cost me less than $20 total. Set up took about an hour and we took the pictures over a two day span. I used a bare wall in my son's bedroom as my back drop since it was neutral and I could hang stuff up if I wanted. Here's what else I used:

• Plain White Blanket (I steamed it with my steamer to get some of the wrinkles out, but you can use a sheet and an iron instead)
• Old Curtains (Thanks Mom!)
• Christmas Balls (Dollar Tree)
• Red & Gold Tinsel (Dollar Tree)
• Mickey Mouse Wrapping Paper (Dollar Tree)
• My Own Christmas Tree (Walmart)
• Empty Shoe Boxes (I wrapped them with old wrapping paper to look like presents)
• Balloons (Dollar Tree)
• A Christmas Dog (We got this as a gift when my fiance purchased my engagement ring)
• Christmas Lights (Target)
• iPad (to take the pictures)

Now you don't have to use an iPad, any camera is just fine. It's just that my digital camera is broken and I have to wait until Christmas to use my new one. You can check out a few of the images that didn't make the cut below to get an idea of how I did everything. As you can see, we had wardrobe changes and everything!

White Blanket On The Floor. Coffee Table With Tan Curtains On Top. Presents & Dog & Old Glass Christmas Tree That I Filled With Tinsel.

Christmas Lights Taped To Wall With Scotch Tape. White Blanket On Floor. Various Props Scattered Around For My Baby To Play With.

Mickey Mouse Wrapping Paper Against The Wall. White Blanket On The Floor. Props Spread Around.

White Blanket Spread Around Christmas Tree. Tinsel On Blanket. Presents Spread Around For Effect.

This would probably work well for a newborn too. And it'll be easier since a newborn baby doesn't move nearly as much as my two year old. Also for pregnant women, couples, families, etc. You can customize it any way you like. Go ahead and try this out. We did to save some money. We got some great pictures to send out to our family that has been asking us for some updated pictures for a while now. It's fun for you and fun for the kids too. Just be prepared for the clean up! Until next time.......

So in case you didn't know, America is in a mini uprising. I can't call it a full fledged protest/revolution yet because of the lack of leadership. Citizens are protesting. Black America and it's supporters are angry, but cannot clearly and assertively articulate what specifically we want. Michael Brown's parents are using their voices to support a bill that would require all police officers to wear cameras on their uniforms while on duty. New York City, home of the Eric Garner tragedy that was caught on video (I mean seriously, how much more proof do you need?), is proposing the same thing. In case you've been living under a rock, get caught up about Michael Brown here and Eric Garner here. But where is the real action? The real leadership? Marching is great. We have the attention of White America and people all around the world. So what are we going to do with it?
Let me first say, I am proud of all of you that are out there fighting. The protests at the University of Pennsylvania. The marches in New York. Bringing traffic to a hault in DC. The organized protests in Chicago. John Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen, have shown their support by paying for food trucks to feed the protesters (allegedly). The citizens of Ferguson have voiced their concerns and frustration different ways. Some by peacefully protesting. Some by looting and burning down buildings. I have been paying attention. Reading. Watching videos. Absorbing everything since CNN announced that the decision had been made on whether or not to indict Mike Brown's killer. I waited to write this post because I wanted to see how many of you would still care. How many were still invested. How many of you are really into this and not just trying to keep up with what's going on on social media. 
Of course, the family of Mike Brown has asked us to protest peacefully. And for the most part, that is what is going on. But the night that Officer Darren Wilson was not charged with the crime of killing Michael Brown, or any charges at all, and was allowed to walk free and clear, the city of Ferguson Missouri was a royal mess. Now let me make this clear, I'm all for looting and burning shit down. Not because I believe in destroying property and causing chaos. Those that know me can attest to the fact that I need everything to be organized. But because I desperately hate big business and people who set up shop in Black Neighborhoods and over charge us for goods that are necessary for us to live. Milk. Water. Pampers. Food. Gas. The basics.
And two, White America is quick to judge us for burning down business and running out of stores with TV's and liquor bottles, calling us savage and criminals. But was it not them who burned down Black Churches? Black Schools? Did they not successfully burn down the Black Wall Street? Did they not lynch and burn Black men, women, and children in a riot like fashion? Are they not stealing from Blacks every day by nickel and diming us for things like internet, cable, over priced smart phones, and other materialisitc goods? Do they not profit from our ignorance and need for more? So please do not tell a people who have fought to get what they have and where they are how they should react to hundreds of years of struggle and fighting. It's a set back. People are mad. Let them grieve.*
In case you haven't picked up on this yet, yes, I am emotionally attached. Not because I have a son. Not because I am engaged to a man that looks like a thug 98% of the time he walks out the door (but he's as sweet as candy). Not because I'm some radical, revolutionary hippie that likes to rant (ahem). But because I know what this moment in history means for our future. We hashtag #blacklivesmatter, but do you really understand what that means? Let me explain it to you. The purpose of the protests, the riots, the global movement, is to make it clear that it is not okay to kill Black People, whether they be men, women, children, teenagers, WHOEVER, and get away with it. It is not okay to gun us down in the street and get away with it. We will not taking that sitting down. Our lives matter. We love our children, our spouses, our nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins, etc. and we will not sit by while they are killed by anyone, not just Law Enforcement. Think about that next time you're trying to be cool with the hash tags. Is that what you stand for?
Now, the true weight of the situation didn't hit me until I saw that trending topic on Twitter. #crimingwhilewhite That mess pissed me off to no end! White people blatantly offering up altercations with the cops that they got away with. And will continue to get away with. Some things Blacks would be jailed for. But that was the point. To start the conversation. To make it clear that there is a racial problem in America and Blacks got the short end of the stick. If you have a Twitter account, I strongly suggest you go on there and read some of the things that people wrote. It's a doozy.
So let me wrap this up here. I think my best friend summed it up so beautifully. Check out what she said:

*Of course I feel for those whose business were burned down that are not part of Corporate America and have worked from the ground up. But like so many innocent people who lose homes, lose businesses, even get caught in the cross fire and lose their lives, they are the exception, not the rule. Those are the people who should be helped. 

"Here is a man who loves me, and I love him, but he doesn't want to marry me. Here I am, a person that doesn't care about marriage, but I'm heartbroken that he doesn't want me as his wife............I should have just left him a long time ago when I saw the signs that he would never marry me." - The Girl Who Played With Men (Mielech)

Before you get all squeemish and judgmental, remember this. In all of my posts I attempt to be fair and non-judgmental to everyone, unless your behaviors dictate that I should think otherwise. On sensitive subjects like this, I do my best to be judgment free. And you should be too. So take off your religious and social hats for the duration of this post and just read as a human being. Thank you.
I've gotten a few requests for this topic in the past but I wasn't sure that I wanted to address it. I was going to leave it alone until I saw this article in the August edition of Cosmopolitan (if you don't know by now, that's my favorite magazine!) stating that bisexuals have more health risks than those who identify as gay or straight. It claims that because of the stigma placed on bisexuals they are more prone to depression, violence, and sexually transmitted diseases. After reading this I decided to just take a stab at it. I started looking online at different articles and videos to help me gather my thoughts and figure out how I really felt about the matter. So here it goes.
Bisexuality is a tricky topic because many people think it simply doesn't exist. Bisexual people are either straight people that want to have sex with everyone or gay people that refuse to come out of the closet. This is what I see and hear whenever the topic is discussed. People use words like confused, promiscuous, experimenting, and loose. Some people use even harsher words than that. And truthfully, bisexuals are really not accepted by either community. It's like being mixed race. You don't really belong to either side. So how do you tackle a topic that most of society already feels so strongly about? Like this.
First, as always, let's define what I mean by bisexual. A bisexual person is one who is attracted physically or emotionally to members of both sexes. And no, that one time in college or that one time in band camp does not count. I mean a genuine, ongoing attraction. And I didn't get that from anywhere. I made that up all on my own. For a more thorough definition and a personal story dealing with bisexuality, head on over here. Bisexual people are neither gay nor straight, they just are. So we see where the complication comes in. In a world that forces us to put labels on everything and define every aspect or ourselves, it's really hard for a bi-sexual person to explain who they really are. I mean, they can't possibly be attracted to both sexes in the same way. They must prefer one over the other. But that's just it. They don't. Just like straight people have different preferences when it comes to what they look for in a partner, it's the same for a bi-sexual person. They are simply attracted to different people for different reasons. Nothing wrong with that. 
For me, bisexuality is more about being attracted to traits and genders than it is to the physical sex itself. Let me explain. We as women are mostly attracted to men because they display male traits such as dominance and strength. We often say we want a provider and a man that is independent and takes care of his own. Same thing for men. They are usually attracted to feminine traits such as beauty. Men want a woman that is nurturing, caring, emotional, and soft. Now I know these are very stereotypical traits. Please forgive me. Just follow along for the sake of argument. 
Bisexual women may be attracted to a man because they display predominantly male traits and attracted to a woman because she displays these traits as well. Same thing for a man. He may be attracted to women because he likes the nurturing, feminine side but he may also find these traits attractive in a man. Or you know what, bisexuals may like both traits because they themselves are a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities. Like every straight or gay person, every bisexual person is different and they choose to identity as bisexual for different reasons. The point is, I believe that it's less about the sex when it comes to sexual orientation and more about the attraction.
Now the issue becomes even more complex when you think about bisexual men vs. bisexual women. Bisexual women are often thought of as fast. They just want to sleep with everyone without discretion. And I often hear that their boyfriends automatically think it means they are going to have a threesome. It's sexy and sometimes even desirable. But not when it comes to men. Bisexual men are often thought of as a "closet" gay who are trying to cover it up by dating women. As this New York Times article put is, they are either straight, gay, or lying. There was even an experiment done that measured how bisexual men responded to gay and straight erotica by measuring genital response, also detailed in the New York Times article (link above). 
But honestly, measuring genital response means nothing. Bisexuality is so much more than how our private parts respond to sexual stimulation. It's about attraction. I mean, think about this. When you are in a relationship with someone, especially for a long period of time, eventually the physical part of the relationship starts to fade (omg!! say it ain't so!) and the emotional attraction you feel toward each other is what keeps it all together. It's why wise people tell you that you should date your best friend or why you often hear that you should be with someone your compatible with. Trey Songz said it in terms that some of you understand better. Sex ain't better than love. Because sex fades. It's your love and your emotional attachment to your partner that keeps everything alive. So can you really measure how someone feels about something based on their sexual response? I think not.
Okay, let's wrap this bad boy up. Bisexuality does exist. But it is much more complex than we think it is. Just because someone chooses to settle down with a man (or a woman) does not negate their attraction to both sexes. It's just who they chose. Alan Cumming best sums it up when he says that he still identifies as bisexual even though he has decided to marry his male partner. And for those of you out there who are bisexual and questioning your sexuality, here are some words for you: watch this video. You are not alone. The world will eventually come around. 
And if you are a bisexual looking for some guidance or somewhere to turn to without judgment, you should go here. Trust me, I know it's hard living in a world that doesn't understand you and constantly makes assumptions about your choices and the way that you live. Just keep doing you. The biggest insult to anyone who says anything negative is to prove them wrong.
And for those of you who are friends with a bisexual or another member of the LGBT community, Cosmo offers some great tips on what to say and what not to say to a bisexual friend in the article mentioned above. They also have an awesome online article on what not to say to a bisexual friend. And some of us need that because we're good at putting our foot in your mouths. So check it out. Let's all work together at judging less and understanding more. We're all different. And that's okay. If you don't agree with it, fine. But keep your negativity to yourself. We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.

First off, let me start by saying that this an adult post. 18+ Please. If you are not 18+, please get your little booty out of here. Go do something else. Thank you.

I got this request from one of my coworkers because she swears up and down that a guy's penis size matters. Her argument is that the size of a man's junk determines the amount of pleasure he can give you. She always says that she doesn't want a "pinky toe". Which is understandable. I mean, most women say the same thing. They want a man that is packing down below. Beyonce says she only wants a man that "carries big things if you know what I mean" in the Destiny's Child song, Soldier. And mostly all women are guilty of staring at a man's hands, feet, or crotch area to determine whether or not he's got it going on down there. Guilty.

There are plenty of articles, videos, blog posts, etc. online about this topic. I started digging through trying to see the consensus out there and get a feel for what people really think about the subject. According to this video, most girls think, HELLLLL YESSS!!!!! Most women think they want a six inch pecker and above. Sorry to disappoint ladies, but the average penis size is 5.6 inches. (I have no idea how I know that. Random piece of knowledge I carry around in my head) So most of the women in the world are already looking for a man that's above average. As with most things, we are looking for the fantasy and ignoring what's really there.

But let's keep is real. Do you even know what six inches looks like? Like for real? Okay. Here's a test. If you have a ruler at home, go ahead and measure out six inches. Don't worry. I'll wait. Google it or something. Hold your hands six inches apart and really LOOK AT IT. Do you really want six inches of something creeping up inside of you? Maybe you do. Maybe that's your thing. And in that case, rock on girl! But most of us really don't even know what six inches looks and feels like. We've never taken a moment and thought about what six inches of length means, not even taking into consideration the width and thickness of the man's privates. Makes you reflect doesn't it?

Now let's also keep in my that Black Men have a slightly larger average penis size than that of their Caucasian counterparts. So let's just add an inch or so on there for safety. Let's just say for argument the average Black Penis is 6.6 inches. So wait. If you can't handle that six inch piece of work that you were just imagining, how would you make out with almost seven inches? Is that even feasible to you? And think about the width and thickness of the Black Man's penis when he is ready to saddle up and ride. Some of you are hot just thinking about it. Go get some water. I'll wait. But to me, it's scary. Legit scary. I want no parts of that. Thank you.

Okay, think about this also. You have a vagina, yes? Have you ever considered the depth of the average vagina? No? Okay. The depth of the average vagina for a woman that has never given birth is 4.25-4.75 inches when aroused. There is a slight, almost insignificant, increase in the size of the vaginal opening when a woman bears a child. Now this information is kinda old, from about 1960, but I don't think vaginas have changed much since then. So, for those of us women who say they want a seven or eight inch penis, where is all that penis going? I understand that for some women that may be pleasurable. Again, do your thing girl. No judgment here. But for those of us who are just repeating what we hear, really think about what you are saying. Do you really want a man with a seven inch lover boy? Or would you prefer something smaller that will make you feel a lot better?

Honestly, I don't care about penis size. Most guys with huge equipment have no idea what to do with it. They think that just because their lower member is large and in charge, it automatically makes them great in bed. And you know what, that's not their fault. Look back at everything we just talked about. We, as women, make them think that. We're so obsessed with a man's size that an above average man thinks that he's already won the race. No brother. You are sadly mistaken. There are plenty of men out there that are confident with what they are carrying around because they know how to use what they've been given. Confidence is sexy. And knowing how to work your body and find your way around a woman's body is even sexier. If you don't know, you better ask somebody.

Contrary to popular belief, pleasing a woman takes skill. If you have all the gizmos and gadgets in the world, they mean nothing if you don't know how to use them. You must know what turns your woman on, how to touch her, what buttons to press and which to leave alone. And this doesn't take a big stick. It all starts in our minds. If we are attracted to a man, it doesn't matter what his penis size is. And Ladies if you think if you don't agree, you're shallow.

Now hold on before you get an attitude and flip your weave because I just called you shallow. I say this because it's possible to have a man that isn't the biggest or the baddest wolf, but he will definitely blow the house down. It's about the motion in the ocean. Knowing how to use what you have to gain the maximum amount of smiles and satisfaction for you both. Size shouldn't be a major factor when deciding whether to give your body to a man. I don't even think it should be a major factor when making any decision regarding a man. To me, size doesn't matter. It's all about how you use what you have.

This one I'm throwing out to you guys. Comment below or tell me what you think in an e-mail, sankofah8@gmail.com. I'm curious to see how many of you think that size actually does matter, and how many of you think otherwise. Speak with you all soon!! =)

"The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage or the desire for marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their acquaintance and activity, but for this type of friendship, both  a rare man and a rare woman are needed." - Anna Garlin Spencer

We've heard it all before. Men and woman cannot be just friends. It's simply impossible. The physical attraction that inevitably occurs between a man and a woman will get in the way and complicate the entire situation. It just cannot be. We are sexual creatures incapable of separating romantic love and platonic love when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. That's just the way it is.

I had a hard time really wrapping my head around this topic. Honestly, I didn't know how I felt about it. I do think that men and women can be friends and remain that way forever. However, also believe that there will be some type of romantic attraction at some point. I mean, it just happens. Not on purpose. But you do start thinking about the what if's. What if this guy was my boyfriend? What kind of life would I have if I dated this guy who just understands me so well? And although you may not act on these feelings, they do pop into your head. And if you deny it, you're a liar.

So since I couldn't figure out which side of the fence I was on, I decided to dig a little but deeper into the subject. The first placed that I looked was Wikipedia. Of course the page gave me a really deep and technical background on where the term came from, but I really appreciated that I got a working definition in the first line. Please see quote below.

"Platonic love is a type of love that is chaste and non-sexual." - Wikipedia

Perfect!! Yes. That's exactly what I think about when I think about a platonic friendship. Two people of the opposite sex that are friends. Like real friends. Not friends with benefits. Not friends that are secretly crushing on each other and one is afraid to tell the other. Just friends. That's it.

This made my view point a lot clearer on the matter. Yes. Yes. Yes. Guys and girls can be just friends. I've had only two types of friendships like this in my life, but they were two of the most gratifying. Being friends with a guy gives you an entirely new perspective on issues, especially romantic ones. But aside from that, it's great to just have a guy friend to talk to. There is no competition. He doesn't care that you got the latest shoes or that your hair is straight from Brazil and has never been touched by human hands (unless you guys are interested in that). You guys just talk crap, shoot the breeze, and enjoy each other's company. I mean, isn't that what all friendships should be like?

Now the gray area comes in when you have someone in the relationship that catches feelings or has hidden motives. Some girls accept just being a guy's friend because they are hoping that they guy will eventually want to make them more than a friend. Or some guys agree to be a girl's friend so that he can hopefully one day take advantage of her in a moment of weakness. We all know this happens. And this is one of the main reasons why so many people believe that men and woman cannot be friends. So to all of you going through this situation, here are just a few words of advice.

• Set clear expectations.
• From the beginning, all parties involved should know what the expectation is. If you want to be just friends with someone, make that clear. And make it be known that there is not going to be a chance in the future of you guys ever being anything more. It may seem harsh, but it will save a lot of heart break and confusion down the line. It will also give you guys a chance to reflect and really think about whether or not you want to put yourself into this situation. Make sure that both of you get a chance to voice where you want the friendship to go and what activities/behaviors are acceptable in your friendship. It may seem stupid and tedious, and maybe even a bit boring, but it is necessary to make sure everything flows smoothly over time.
• If issues arise, reflect and resolve.
• If you guys come to a point where one person is having feelings for another or some other issues arise, talk about it. Why are they feeling this way? Are these romantic feelings getting in the way of the friendship? Lay it all on the table. And be honest. And if you feel like you can't be honest, you don't need to be friends with this person anyway. Once everything is out in the open, resolve the issue. Maybe you guys are spending too much time together and you need to bring other people into your life to divert your attention. Maybe connecting with someone of the opposite sex in this way has you thinking about something more serious with them, despite the expectations being set in the beginning. If this is the case, figure out what you want to do. You can either terminate the friendship or just ignore the fact that one of you is crushing on the other one. I'd say go with the former. Secret crushes always get messy, especially when someone in the friendship does get involved with someone romantically. It's going to suck to lose a friend, but it's not worth the headache.
• Never make assumptions.
• One thing that I kept reading online and that I saw in this video, is that guys think that girls are way more attracted to them than the girl actually is. Men also underestimate their value as a friend. Sometimes we're so full of ourselves that we swear that someone is attracted to us, even if they aren't. Really sit down and think about your friendship. And if you feel like the other person is becoming to clingy, think about why. What behaviors make you feel this way? And then think about if it was a friend of the same sex doing the same thing. Would you feel the same way? Sometimes we over react and think that we're being hit on when in all actuality, the other person is just being friendly or making conversation. Don't lose a friend because your head  is big. Get it clear first before you start jumping to conclusions
• Don't send mixed signals.
• Don't be that person that says they just want to be friends but they invite you over at three in the morning to "talk". Friends don't kiss. Friends don't have sex. They just don't do it. All of these behaviors are crossing the line into relationship land. And they send mixed signals. It's just not fair to the other person. If you want to be my friend and you don't want me to catch feelings for you, why do you text me inappropriate things at all hours of the night or make comments about us being together. Not cool. And you can't be mad if someone wants to be with you after you make them feel those kinds of feelings because of your words and actions. Keep it friendly. Of course friends make dirty jokes, talk about sex, complain about relationships, etc. But the line should never be crossed where one of you is hitting on the other. Don't do it.
• Cut the friend off if need be.
• It's hard to lose a friend, but you know what, sometimes it's necessary. I don't want any friends in my life that give me a freaking headache. I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't respect the boundaries that I have put forth for us. So you know what, if I have a friend that just can't get it together, they have to go. I don't care who you are. If you've exhausted all possibilities and the friendship is still not what you expected or the other person is still catching feelings, just end it. Tell them you don't feel like you can be friends anymore and wish them all the best. Explain why of course. Don't walk off like a douche bag. But you should let them know that they've been demoted to an acquaintance and will be treated as such. Buh-bye.

Okay, here we go with the societal rules and expectations again. Why is this even still a topic of discussion? Why in a generation where Rihanna can bare it all, literally, are we still judging people for having sex on the first date? Sex on the first date is just that: sex. If you decide that you want to sleep with someone on the first date, third date, seventh date, a year later, who really cares?

So, we all knew this post was coming. I've had a couple of e-mails for this and a few verbal requests too, so I thought it was time to talk about this. Before we get started though, I need you to clear your mind. Don't read this post with any biases, any past hurts, or any preconceived notions. Hard right? I know. But just try. We all go in looking to bash or demonize the side chick when the truth is, most of us have been one. Knowingly or not. So none of us are in any position to judge anybody. So don't do it.

Let's get started by defining what a side chick is. My definition of the side chick is as follows:

Side Piece: A person (male or female) who is actively participating in a romantic relationship with someone who has a steady or "main" partner already i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, boo, or bae. 

I know, the definition is as basic as they come, but I just want to be clear.

Now, I'm not a big fan of monogamy. I do it because it's the best way to provide stability and raise my son. Plus I have such an amazing partner. So that makes it bundles easier! With this being said, I don't really feel any type of way about the side piece. Truthfully, I know many women and men who would rather be the piece on the side than the main thing any day. Less headache. Less expectation. More time for yourself. You have no one to answer to. Plus, it's more fun. I read an article online that details relationship advice from a 98 year old woman. You know this lady has some gems! But out of her three marriages, she states that her lover was who she was the "most mad" about. Flings are exciting. There are no expectations.  For some people, it just works. And what do we hear every day of our lives? Do what makes you happy. So what if being the thing on the side makes you happy? Should you not do it?

The issue comes in when we start dealing with relationships and ethics. Most people don't want the person they are in a relationship with to be romantically involved with anyone else. Period. No late night texts. No going out to dinner. You just don't do it. I hate to say this, but in most relationships, it's like you own the person. This person is MINE MINE MINE!!!!!! And nobody else can have what we have. And my partner cannot give to anyone what they give to me. This what I hate about monogamy. I belong to me. You belong to you. And if we decide to share ourselves with each other so be it. But if I share myself with you, it doesn't mean you OWN me. It means I let you into my personal self, we are going on this relationship journey together, but we are still two separate people. No ownership involved.

But I digress. Let's get back on track. The side piece poses a problem because they throw a money wrench in our traditional view of monogamy. There is no room for a third person in a relationship. They steal attention. They make us insecure. They ruin marriages and break up families. They dissolve the trust between two people (if they are kept a secret). They secretly worship the devil. They make your hair fall out. And they're trying to take what's yours. Oh hell no!! Somebody has to stop these Godforsaken people!

Let's look at it another way. Some side pieces are not out to steal your partner. They just want to have a little fun. They're not looking to settle down and inherit this person they're messing with. After all, they already know that this person is a dishonest, cheating, sack of (insert your own word here). Why the hell would anybody want that? Especially if they are looking to settle down and be with one person forever. They just want the affection. The free stuff. The late night booty calls. You can keep everything else. These side pieces are looking for a good time. The end.

But there are some people out there on the side who are looking to be the main. And I have to say to you, you are STUPID. No. No. No. No. No. If this person is sneaking around with you, chances are they will sneak around ON YOU. And if this person you want to make your main thing doesn't even respect your feelings enough to dead it with their current partner, why the hell would they respect your feelings on anything else in the future? As the side piece, it is their job to make you feel good. It is their job to keep the peace with you. After all, if your side piece is miserable and unhappy then it would be like a regular relationship. Who the hell wants two stressful ass unions? Not me!! If you find yourself catching feelings for your partner, and you know you're the side chick, leave that mess alone. Now. It starts getting too messy after that.

Speaking of messy. You side pieces have to know your freaking place. Sheesh. Need help knowing the boundaries? Watch this video. Let me tell you something. If you messy females call me on some crazy mess, I'm going to give you my man's number (which you probably already have) and tell you to take it up with him. I don't have nothing to do with what goes on between ya'll. I only deal with him and me. You have to take your beef to someone that can actually do something about it. And that surely ain't me! So stop with the messiness. Don't go calling their partner or spouse looking for revenge. You just look foolish. Don't key their car because you will go to jail. I promise you. Don't leave ear rings or panties behind on purpose. You're going to need those further on down the line. And do you really think somebody that's cheating isn't going to check behind you after you go? If they don't, they want to get caught! Stop with the messiness. You have got
to do better.

So I don't have any other "tips" or "advice" for the side pieces out there. Each situation is different. Do you. I don't care. I'm not even going to lie. If I found out that my partner cheated on me, I would ask why he felt like he couldn't be honest with me. Then I'd ask if he was leaving me so I know if I have to get another job to take care of me and my son. I mean, I just want to be clear. And if we work it all out? I don't give two craps about the other girl. I don't know her. And she don't know me. I'm not going to look for her or cyber stalk her or anything like that. I have things to do. I do know this though. If she's going to continue to be in my relationship, she better start dropping some money on these bills up in here. If me and my partner are both working and trying to make this family work, if you're going to mess around with my man, heffa you better contribute too. Pay up. And that's that.

Oh yeah! I do want to say this though. When you find out your partner is messing around with someone else, I do think it's foolish to go after the side piece. After all, they didn't make a commitment to you, your partner did. Your partner lied. They didn't. Your partner led you on and fed you false promises. Not them. So why, in most cases, do most people go after the side piece as if they are the problem? No. Sit down and stop being stupid. Deal with your dishonest partner and figure out why they're stepping outside of what you guys created for fulfillment. Because you know what? If you don't address those issues, you may be able to get rid of one side piece, but trust and believe, there will be someone else to take their place very soon. Again, stop being stupid.

Okay, that's it. Summary please. Side pieces exist. I don't care either way. Every relationship is so different, every side relationship is so different, you can't really have an opinion either way. To all you side pieces out there, be careful. Some people will kill over their partner. No person is worth dying for. And to all you people who have been cheated on or find out about their partner's side piece, do what's best for you and your relationship. If you love them and think you can work it out. Stay. It's on you. Again, I couldn't care less. I'm over here writing blogs and raising my son. I got things to do. And that's all I have to say about that.

So let me just start by saying that this topic was a special request from my significant other because he thinks I'm horrible at communicating (ironic right?). It's not that I'm bad at it. I am really good with words. Honest. It's just that I'm all about efficiency and purpose. In an argument, I believe you say what you have to say, I say what I have to say, and then we're done. Let's agree to disagree and move on to something else. Not him. He wants to talk and find solutions to every single issue that we have. The problem with that is, some problems don't have solutions. You just have to respect each other's feelings and let it be. I have things to do. I don't want to sit and keep having the same discussion forty five times. So he wanted me to do this post on communication because he thinks it's an opportunity area for us (I do not). This one is for you James.

• Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're communicating.
• Just because words are coming out of your mouth and your partner is supposed to be listening doesn't mean you're communicating. You have to be saying something of value, and something that pertains to the issue at hand. Aimless talking gets you nowhere and it gets frustrating for the person who genuinely wants to get the problem solved. And your listener has to be open to listening. I mean, what's the point of talking to someone who isn't taking in what you're saying? Communicating has to be a two way street. Speak how you feel on the matter at hand and make sure your partner is really ingesting your concerns. It shows they care and it'll likely prevent the same issues from happening again in the future.
• You have to be honest or else the entire conversation is pointless.
• I hate when you're trying to talk to your partner and you know everything coming out of their mouth is a damn lie (luckily I've never had that problem with Dean). Like, do you think I'm a freaking idiot? I refuse to sit down and talk to someone and they can't even respect me enough to tell me the truth. So don't do that. That's a no no. Be honest and keep it real. And if you feel like your partner is being dishonest, DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY. Lay your evidence on the table and ask for an explanation. And don't be loud and ghetto with it. This is not reality TV. And if your partner still doesn't come clean? Get the hell out of there. They're a liar, in which case you don't want anything to do with them anyway.
• Treat arguments like a debate.
• This is something that I read somewhere online and I think is a great idea. Just like a debate, one person talks for one minute then gives their partner a minute to express their thoughts and offer rebuttal. You can keep this going until both of you feel like you've gotten everything off of your chest, or you can just set a time limit. Set aside ten minutes, each of you gets five chances to talk. Once the time is up, try to think of a solution. If you both are just over it and feel like no solution is available that will appease both sides, please see the next tip.
• Know when to say when.
• We all know that couple that fights from the house, to the car, to their destination, back home, and into the next day. That is exhausting and just plain annoying. To me, arguments are over when you start repeating the same things that you've said before. I heard you the first time you said it, please don't keep repeating it over and over again. It's also time to call it quits when someone loses their cool. If at any point either of you starts getting loud and irrational, take a breather and read the next tip. Once the cool off period is done, try again. If it still doesn't get anywhere, just be done with it. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, even those in a relationship and this something we just have to accept.
• Have a cool off period.
• This is the most important part, and the part that keeps you from killing each other or breaking up every time you have a little spat. Pick a corner and cool off. I'm terrible at letting things bother me for days and days. I'll just not say anything to anyone. Don't do that. It's childish and makes your partner annoy the hell out of you until you talk to them (that gets on my LAST NERVE!!!). Take an hour or two, take a deep breath, and re-open the door to let your partner in, literally or figuratively. Even if they choose to remain upset, at least you've extended the invitation. They'll come around eventually. 
• Find what works best for you.
• Some people like to write it out. Some people like to sit across from each other and just talk. Some people like to be in public places to express themselves. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting your thoughts our of your head and go with it. Not everyone is the same. And if you and your partner have different ways of communicating, try to merge them and make them work. After all, the point is really to just get things off your chest and try to find a fix that will make everyone happy. It'll take time, but once you both master what method of expression works for you both, you'll see things drastically change.

I only had one request for this particular post, and it just came in a few nights ago. But it's something I struggle with a lot. Like every single day. As most of you know if you've been following along, I have a bunch of experience with break-ups and separations. But truth be told, I have very little experience with letting go. I still talk to almost all of the guys I've dealt with in the past. Not on some "I love you"/"I miss you" type of deal. We've moved on. I have my boys to take care of. But when you share so much of your life, such a big part of yourself with someone, you just can't cut them off.

I just wished one of my exes a happy birthday. He's a Cancer. I can never forget his birthday. Another came to my dad's funeral last November, paid his respects to my family, met my fiance and my son, and carried himself out of there. It wasn't weird. It wasn't disrespectful. It just was. I go to another one of my exes for advice, and to save me from myself sometimes. I'm known to get into many sticky situations. One of my old boyfriends even sent my son gifts when he found out that I was pregnant.

But one is like fire. A no go. Do not touch. And when you have a family and a comfortable life, and especially a little person that you have to shape and mold and prepare for the world, you cannot play with fire. You just cannot afford to get burned anymore. He's caused issues in our relationship in the past, almost ending it a couple of times. This is where I'm drawing my tips from. This situation has taught me how to let go, for the good of everybody. And truth be told: it's freaking hard!! It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life.

So here are the tips and tools that I use to get myself through the letting go process every day.

• Practice self control.
• You're going to want to call them. Your gut is going to want to text them. You're going to want to hear their voice or even check if they still give a damn about you. Don't do it. Put the phone down. Walk away from the Facebook page. Leave their Instagram alone. Be in control of your own actions. And if they text you? Delete. That simple. Don't fall back in and allow that person to get back into your head. Just like most things, getting started is always the hardest part. But you can do it. Just stop. Think. Breath. Be rational. Because if you continue to entertain the nonsense, they will continue to bring it to you. Be strong.
• If You're Done, Be Done. Don't Play Games!
• I'm sooooooo guilty of this. The revolving door. I'm done. Then I'm not. Then I'm done. Then I want you to come have cookies and ice cream with me. Don't do this. If you cut someone off, leave them cut off. It's confusing to you and it's unfair to them to keep going back and forth. if you're not sure what you want to do, just take some time and BE HONEST!! Let the person know where your head is at, your reasoning, and let them know that you're in the process of making a decision. Give yourself a seven day timeline to sort our your feelings and really sort them out. Within those seven says has this person made you more happy or sad? What do they bring to your life? What would life be like without them? Better? Worse? Then make the decision and stick with it!
• Don't reminisce. 
• You guys were together. You had great times. There were great memories shared. But there is also a reason why you guys separated and you are not together. Remember that. If something happened that forced you to leave this person, it must have been pretty messed up. Or you just reached the point where you couldn't handle the crap anymore. Do not sit and beat yourself up for letting go of a person that didn't meet your standards. The few good times you shared do not make up for all the other mess and/or drama that you guys went through. Stop taking strolls down memory lane. It's not conducive to anything at all.
• Find a hobby.
• Get your mind off of it. Read. Write. Knit. Pick up running. Reconnect with friends. Get a second job. Something! You're going to need something to distract your mind and stop you from thinking about the person. Plus, you're doing something that you enjoy. Getting back to being you. What did you do before you met the person? Figure that out and go for it. You'll feel a lot better about yourself too. It's science. Look it up.
• Realize there are going to be things unsaid.
• I think this is the hardest part of letting go. Waking up a few days after you've cut someone off and having something else to say. You just want to grab your phone and text them everything you just thought about and see their response. For these times, you're going to need a journal. Friends are good too. Or you can write a letter, read it aloud, and throw it out. Or file it away (I have an entire notebook of notes to exes). There are going to be things that you forget to say to that person or unreconciled feelings that you are going to have. This is the moment when you're going to need to pull out that self control and accept that fact that it's done and move on. Take a second, deal with the emotions, and keep on going. You got another day to live, do something great with it.